Sometimes, things turn out different...

 

 

As a young girl I remember feeling stuck. I felt I would never change. I would remain 10 years old forever. I dreamt of what it would be like to be an adult. Be able to do what I want. Eat what I wanted. Not eat what I didn’t want to. No school work. No snotty girls in the hallway. No designated bedtime.

 

Now, I’m nearly 26. Gone are the days where my mom can make me eat my whole dinner plate. (Now, I am making my little girl eat all the food off of hers.) I have been married 7 years nearly. I remember thinking as Grant and I were dating, “we will never have a disagreement..” Well, if you’re reading this and you’re married, you know the truth behind that. We all have disagreements. I have been a mom now for nearly 3 years, (not counting the months I was pregnant with my first.) I remember before I was a mom, thinking to myself how being a mom, especially a stay at home mom, would be such a simple and fun job. The first few weeks after leaving the hospital with our firstborn, Grant and I both realized being a parent is not for cowards, wimps or half-hearted folk. I thought I would never make it through as a new parent the first couple months, but sure enough, I did.

 

I’ve been saved for 8 and ½ years. I remember making plans to go to college at a school a few hours away in which I had a good scholarship lined out for. I had many, many plans. Then, I got saved. My plans, desires and path changed. Completely. Have you ever seen those awful pictures on tabloids as you stand in the line at the supermarket, the ones of celebrities before and after make-up? Well, that was the kind of change my soul had. It went from U-G-L-Y, to gorgeous. I didn’t change overnight. I am still changing actually. Every day I learn something new from God, and I do whatever I can to apply it. But I sure did change from that day forward!

 

I definitely don’t want to go back to being 10. I don’t want to go back to the time Grant and I were dating, and I don’t want to go back to the time in which I didn’t have a little toddler to chase around 24/7. I most definitely don’t want to go back to the time in which I didn’t know Jesus.

 

What I have learned, just today, through a situation that was pretty serious, is this;

 

I can close my eyes and imagine what it may be like one day… if.

If I was an adult.

If I was married.

If I was a mom.

And the truth of it all is, things don’t always pan out how you think they will.

 

Being an adult can be hard. You have financial stress and pressure.

Being married can be hard. You don’t always agree and you each now how to irritate the other better than anyone else knows how to.

Being a mom can be hard. You live in a state of exhaustion, and you don’t realize it.

 

I know God makes no mistakes, and someone had to remind me of that recently. Satan had tried telling me for some time that I was not very good at anything I did.

Wife. Mom. Friend. Daughter. Daughter-in-law. Sister. Sister-in-law. Granddaughter. Niece. Cousin. Writer. Christian.

Every single role I play, the devil made me believe I am not good at any of them. Thankfully, he only had me convinced for a short time, but nonetheless, he did have me convinced.

 

I believe he knew I was an easy target because I try so hard and I love so deep.

 

I want to make Grant happy. I want him to be sad to leave home and happy to come back. I want to please and satisfy him as his help meet and his best friend. I want to be everything for him. I haven’t always been the best wife. I am still not the best, but I want to be the best God can make me be for him. I want that truly more than anything. One day, Raylea, Jack and if there are any more to come, will all be grown up and gone. Grant will be who is left in my home. I want to make sure I invested much energy and love into him now, so when it’s just us again, he will know he was always number one in my life, after God of course.

 

I want to be a good mom. I want to be the world’s best in Raylea and Jack’s eyes. I know I get frustrated with Ray at times, (she is almost 3.) But I try very hard to teach her about Jesus and I try very hard to show her the love that I have felt from him. I want to be the wife, mom and Christian she wants to be like. Jack will be here in just 11 weeks, or less. I want to teach him all about Jesus and I know Grant will show him the type of husband and dad he should strive to be.

 

Each day, it may not turn out just like how I imagined it, but if I am seeking God and asking Him for his protection and direction, things must be turning out the way He wants them to.

 

And that’s all that matters.

 

So, don't focus so much on what you want.

But, focus on what God is doing.

 

And just be satisfied with that.

 

After every storm, there's a rainbow...

That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

1 Peter 1:7

Something happened to me today, that has never happened before. I went to open my blog that I have worked on for a month and it was gone. Not there. Deleted.

I prayed and I just suppose the Lord wanted me to re-write and maybe bring some new things to my mind.

Today though, I woke up and saw the calendar.

August 1st.



Last December, as most of you probably remember, we found out we were pregnant and we miscarried that baby all within the same week. It was Christmas not long after that day, and looking back, it all seems like a blur. I was there, but my heart was somewhere far, far away.

Unless you've wanted a baby, and then lost that baby, you don't know the pain, as hard as you try to imagine it. I used to always say it would never happen to me. But it did.

There were some pretty unthoughtful things said during that month.

I learned that not everyone thinks before they talk. I knew that before, but I really got it then.

The hugs, the silence, those who shared tears with me, the flowers, the prayers. That’s what I will really remember though.

True friends are sad in your sadness and happy in your happiness.

I will never forget those who were sad and sensitive to us.

We were encouraged by some friends who lost their baby as well a few months prior, to name our baby, even though we didn’t know their gender.

August Shalom is what we named that precious little baby.

August 18th was their "due date" and Shalom means "peace."

It makes my heart happy when someone calls my baby by name instead of referring to them as “the miscarriage.”
 

Just because they didn’t get to live as long as you or I doesn’t mean they don’t get a name too.

I struggled for a short time, but God gave me the most amazing peace.

Grant and I have a little girl, and we know the depths of a love you have for your child, so that baby dying was hard for us personally because we imagined loving that baby the way we do Raylea.

I don't know how it feels to lose a baby when you don't already have a child, but I know the pain is real for whoever it happens to. No matter the situation.

I am looking forward to the day to hold that sweet baby.

Until then, Jesus will hold them and He will hold my hand.

Since we miscarried so early on, we were able to try again after a couple months.

After just one month of being able to try we fell pregnant again.

I am now almost 7 months pregnant with a growing, healthy little boy.

Jack Gannon.

We can’t wait to meet you and hold you and kiss you all over.

I am so excited to see all that God does with our children.

I know that if we place them in His hands and we lead them and teach them and show them the right way, they will not depart from it. I believe that strongly.

I want to be a real mom. A real wife. A real friend.

A real Christ follower.

I don’t question the fact that we have a child in Heaven.

I don’t question that Jack is to be here.

I don’t question tomorrow.

I am getting better every day at simply trusting God’s plan and timing.

Sometimes I want something.

And I want it now.

You know what I mean?

Maybe it’s a child for you.

Maybe it’s money to pay the bills.

Maybe it’s patience.

God is the answer to all things.

He’s the answer for your hurt.

He’s the answer for your marriage.

He’s the answer for the void in your life.

He’s the answer for your children.

He’s just the answer.

We maybe went through a trial.

A time that tested our faith.

But we came out stronger individually and as a couple and as a family.

You will come out stronger too!



Lord, prepare me

 

 

 

 

 

I was listening to the song, "Sanctuary" earlier.

 

Raylea was singing along the best she could and I was crying just listening.

 

I am so thankful I am a Christian and that my child will be raised in a way to know God.

 

Pure and holy, tried and true...

 

 

I thank God I accepted Him early enough in life that I was a Christian when I married Grant and when I had my first child. I felt little Jack kick in my stomach when all this was going on in the car earlier and I felt so much gratitude I couldn't contain it.

 

I know there are some pretty sick people out there.

 

They don't care about God.

 

They curse Him.

 

They curse themselves.

 

And much worse..

 

I don't want to talk about them though.

 

 

I want to talk about God.

 

His holiness and His goodness.

 

 

We truly don't know, and we won't know the true holiness of God until we are in Heaven, I believe.

 

 

I do believe though that His Holy Spirit speaks to us when we are listening and close to Him and will cleanse us.

 

I am not perfect.

 

Neither are you.

 

I serve Someone Who is perfect, though.

 

I love Him.

 

I choose Him.

 

I will stand for Him no matter the cost.

 

I love His ways and I will follow Him always.

Lord, prepare me!

 



You're Not My Real Friend

This past week I have been trying to decide what the Lord would have me to write about.

Nothing came for days.

Finally, this morning, the phrase, "you're not my real friend," just popped in my head and I rushed over to my laptop. So, here goes.

First off, whether you are a follower of Christ, as I am, or you practice Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Wicca, or whatever... we all have ONE thing in common.

Satan is NOT our real friend.

So, I'm pretty positive there isn't a Satan worshipper reading my blog right now or any of the other false teachings' followers... so, I am going to get back to writing to those who are undecided and those who have decided to follow Christ, Who is the only way!

But let's be real for a minute.

There are plenty of people out in the world who are not you're real friend.

Even if they're a "Christian."

Even if they're your own family.

In Psalm 41:9 it reads,

Yea, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me.

My commentary explains that this is a prophecy of Christ's betrayal. Judas, spent three years learning from Jesus, traveling and eating with him. Eventually, Judas, who knew Jesus very well, betrays him.

Have you ever been betrayed?

Very likely.

It hurts. Doesn't it?

Right after this verse I read in Job 42:10,

And the Lord turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before.

After being accused by these friends for a wrong doing, Job was still able to pray for these friends.

So, just because someone hurts you, maybe they hurt you physically. Emotionally. They ruined your reputation. They simply hurt you worse than anyone ever has.

That's a real pain, and I don't ever try to take away from real pain.

I met a girl once who was molested by her own blood father growing up as a little girl.

I met another girl who's husband cheated on her.

I know a woman who has been married to her high school sweet heart her whole life and has been lonely every minute of their marriage, which recently ended in divorce.

Those are all real pain.

Back to real friends, or the lack thereof...

Whether you're a real friend to others or maybe you just don't have a real friend, you can be assured that NO matter what... you have ONE true friend.

Jesus Christ.

You're friends can let you down, your parents can let you down, your spouse can even let you down and fail you, BUT... Jesus can't and won't. Not possible.

So, I leave you with the promise that even though we all suffer from hurt at some point and at different degrees in our lives, we all have another thing in common, and that is that Jesus loves us more than anyone ever will or ever could.

Don't be discouraged if someone has hurt you, don't be sad if you don't have a real friend, because Jesus is there when you're all alone, he will hold your hand when nobody else will.



Great Peace.

 

 

Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them. Psalm 119:165

 

Psalm 119 is full of convicting scripture in my opinion.

 

Whoever wrote this chapter was in deed in love with God. They wanted to make Him happy.

 

Life can be hard. Life can be confusing. Life can be frustrating and downright unfair.

 

I have heard it said before, "How can there be a God with all the bad things that happen?"

 

The way I see it is this, hell was made for the devil and his angels.

 

He rebelled against God and therefore evil took place.

 

When God made human, he gave us a free will.

 

If you don't want to make dinner tonight and would rather eat out, that's your choice. You have the free will to do so. If you want to stay single your whole life, that's your choice as well.

 

It's the same with serving God. It amazes me how people choose to not serve Him when He made them. He made you.

 

 

But, for some reason that isn't a good enough reason for many. They want more. They for sure don't want to surrender their life to God. I will tell you, personally, it was the best choice I ever made using my free will. You can read my personal testimony on my blog under "March 15th, 2006."

 

So, there is evil because people choose those actions and thoughts.

 

God is not evil.

God is holy.

God is mighty.

He is not at all mean or evil.

 

I read the verse Psalm 119:165 early this morning while I was searching for peace in a certain situation in my life. I asked God to please give me peace about it and I almost immediately came to this verse.

 

 

Great peace.

 

Not just peace.

 

GREAT. PEACE.

 

I don't know about you, but that is something I want.

 

But, go on and read the rest.

 

...have they which love they law: and nothing shall offend them.

 

 

First off, most people and even so called Christians don't even obey God's laws/commandments and for sure don't love them.

 

And people get offended awful easily.

 

There has been a couple times where I have had my feelings hurt. Mainly for the way the person approached me. I felt attacked more than loved. It's not that I was offended that the person was stating their opinion, but it was how they made me feel. I have taken those times in my life and applied them so in the future when I needed to approach someone on an issue, I went in pure love, not being condoning.

 

Just like the preacher says, "You have to catch the fish before you try to clean them up."

 

I agree with that, but I believe even more that when a person gets saved, they will want to clean up and the Lord will show them how in many ways. He did that for me.

 

People are out searching high and low for peace of mind. This verse explains how to have it.

 

Love His word. Get in it. Talk to God and read His Word... more than you check Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. I think it's healthy to take a break from those social media apps every once in a while. I only have Instagram, and I take breaks from looking at it periodically. I am fixing to do it again soon. It just makes a person realize they can live without a phone and the internet just fine.

 

I know this post was a little different from others I have written, but I felt strongly I needed to share my heart.

 

If you want great peace, if I want great peace, we simply need to meditate in God's Word.

And apply it.

 

Perhaps you are reading this and most of this is foreign to you.

 

That's okay. It was to me also about 8 years ago. I'm not perfect today either, but I strive daily to be like Christ and ask Him to help me be better in areas that I know need help.

 

When I die, I want people to say, "she was a woman of God. She didn't care what others thought. She just wanted to please Him."

 

That is all I want at the end of my life. I don't care about having a fancy home. New car. Name brand clothes. Being in the spotlight throughout life. Thousands to know my name.

 

I just want God to know I loved Him. And I want people to know I loved them and wanted to see everyone come to know Christ.

 

You can say a simple prayer today and you can write down that on Friday, May 9th, 2014, you accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior.

 

Pray this prayer and mean it.

 

 

God. I am a sinner. I am sorry for my sins.

I have failed others but mainly I have failed You.

I am sorry for that.

I ask You that You would come into my heart and become the Lord of my life.

I need you, Lord.

I can't make it in life without You.

I believe you died on the Cross for my sins.

I believe you rose three days later and that You're soon to return.

Please give me strength to be the Christian you want me to be.

Show me how to be like You.

Thank you, Jesus for saving my soul.

In Jesus Name.

Amen.

 

 

I come to the garden alone

 

 

I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses.

He speaks, and the sound of His voice,
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing,
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing.

I'd stay in the garden with Him
Though the night around me be falling,
But He bids me go; through the voice of woe
His voice to me is calling.
 

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

 

 

 

 

 

I prayed and asked God what to write. And this song came to me.

 

As a little girl, my mom would take me and my siblings to visit a very special woman who went to our church.

 

Her a name was Betty Isaacs.

 

This was her favorite song.

 

I don't believe I would have ever learned this song, especially so young, if I hadn't known her.

 

 

 

 

When is the last time you went to the garden?

 

When I read these lyrics, and hum the tune in my head, I imagine going to a place, not physically, but spiritually in prayer.

 

I love praying with others. My husband, my friends, my family, my church, my daughter.

 

But, I really love just praying alone. Just me and God.

 

That's what I imagine when this song says, "I come to the garden alone."

When it talks about the dew still being on the roses, I am taking that as though it is very early in the morning.

This person came not only alone, but very early in the morning, when most people are still sleeping.

We live in a society where we either stay up super late and therefore we have to sleep in late, or we go to bed early because we are getting up early to go somewhere, likely work.

When's the last time you purposely planned out a time to pray. I'm not saying you have to, but I personally was a little convicted when I read these lyrics. I really read them.


The last verse says this person would stay with Him in the garden.

We usually pray for 2, 5, 20 minutes and call it good. Yet, we will sit and watch a movie for two hours. We will talk on the phone for an hour. We will get up early to go to work or to a sale at the mall when we won't even get up at some point during the day or night to pray.

I firmly believe if we set time aside to spend with God, He will hear us. He will listen. He will answer.

He showed me yet again this week how big he really is. He showed me also that I need to put more faith in Him, than in others. He showed me that I need to go to the garden alone more often.

So, I'm not writing this little entry to try to make you feel bad for not praying or for praying for a small amount of time only at your convenience.

I plan on going to garden alone more often, and staying there longer.

I want to hear Him speak to me. I want to walk with Him more.

He is sitting there, waiting in your garden for you.

Won't you come visit Him?

 



Because He lives

 

 

 

 

Because He lives

I can face tomorrow

Because He lives

all fear is gone

Because I know

He holds the future

and life is worth the living

Just because He lives.

 

 

 

Read those words above a few more times.

No, really. Read them.

 

Let them sink in, down deep.

 

He is risen.

 

He is alive.

 

Is He alive in your heart?

 

You will know it if He is.

 

You won't have to second guess yourself.

 

He is alive in my heart and life.

 

He gives me peace when I have none.

 

He whispers to me sometimes, so I listen really carefully.

 

He assures me that He does hold the future.

 

No matter what life brings.

 

You maybe have lost a child this past year.

 

You maybe have been told you will never have a child of your own.

 

Maybe you are sick. All the time. And nothing helps.

 

Perhaps you are in the waiting room of your life, waiting for God to tell you where to go next.

 

Maybe you are in a marriage where you feel trapped and alone.

 

Maybe your children have wrote you off and have nothing to do with you.

 

You lost your job. You have no income.

 

Your dad is fixing to go back to prison. Again.

 

Your parents are divorcing.

 

You found out your wife is cheating on you.

 

You had a miscarriage.

 

Your baby was stillborn.

 

You feel lonely in your marriage.

 

You are in debt up to your eye balls.

 

You've gossiped so much about others that you've ruined your own reputation.

 

Your best friend suddenly found a new best friend.

 

You cry out to God, but don't hear anything back.

 

Your mom has cancer.

 

You have cancer.

 

You have anxiety.

 

You're depressed, but can't admit it.

 

 

 

I know at least one person who is going through at least one of those situations.

 

Why would God allow this?

 

My answer, and I don't expect it to be "good enough" for all of you, is this...

 

God sent His only Son to die for this sinful world, so we could live eternally with Him.

 

We all have a free will. We can do what we want basically.

 

It never once said in the Bible that if you follow God you will have the perfect life. Perfect parents. Perfect spouse. Perfect kids. Perfect health. Perfect everything.

 

It was actually the opposite. We have to be willing to deny ourselves and follow Him. Not many people do that. You can only answer that for yourself.

 

But, even if you do live whole hearted for Him, bad things will still happen.

 

BECAUSE... we live in a sin-filled world.

 

I grew up in a home where my dad was an alcoholic.

My dad was delivered and gave his whole life to God when I was 12.

I got to see the realness of God by how he changed a drunk into a mighty man of God.

 

I had a miscarriage last December. We had wanted our second child for quite a few months at that point. We were so excited to learn we were having another baby. Just days after finding out we would be second time parents, the dreams and hopes for the future were shattered, taken away totally.

I felt alone. Friends checked on me and family loved on me. But I just wanted that baby back in my belly. I wanted to be his or her Mommy, just like I am Raylea's.

 

But, I learned what it was to trust God and trust His hand. I had to follow His words even when the pain was so raw and real. Even when I saw 9 month pregnant ladies that were smoking a cigarette or yelling at their kids like they were dogs. I had to trust Him.

 

I will always be able to help someone who goes through a similar loss, because I can relate to their pain.

 

I could go on for a while about different scenarios that lead me to see God working.

 

Sometimes it took years for me to see His plan. Sometimes only a day.

 

My point is, this life is as a vapor... please don't get so caught up in questioning God of "why?"

 

I am also not telling you to toughen up, because many people are going through very awful things right now, this second.

 

But God didn't cause any of this pain and suffering. Our sin natures is what cause the evil, the hurt, the sickness, the pain. Just because you're going through something doesn't mean that God doesn't love you, He is trusting you to make it through this trial and come out on top.

 

If your life had no problems, why would you need God? Of course we would worship Him, but seriously. We wouldn't know the feeling of depending on Him. I can't imagine that. He is where I get peace, even if that means I am hurting, I love to pray and talk to Him and feel Him wrap His arms all around me and tell me everything will be okay.

 

And it will.. because, He lives.

 

You can face tomorrow.

 

Tell yourself that. Right now.

 

Because He lives, all fear is gone!

Because I know He holds the future

and life is worth the living

 

just because

 

 

HE LIVES.