What I learned on Joe's Road

I've heard the phrase bittersweet all my life, but until now I never have experienced it's true meaning.

As we are cleaning up, packing up and heading out on a new adventure God has us on, I have paused a few times to reminisce on the many days and seasons I have living on this little prairie.

To some it may seem out of pocket, but for us, it was the perfect fit.

This coming June will be the eight year mark that Grant and I moved a three bedroom, two bath double wide onto a pile of dirt. I was six months pregnant with our first child and was working the minimum 40 hours a week in Wichita, so I couldn't be there the day they moved our house out to the land. Grant let me take four stakes and put them exactly where I wanted each corner of the house to sit. Grants family already lived here and I was so excited to receive photos of the trucks pulling the home in, positioning the two halves together, from my brother in law Garrett. It was finally happening! The home we'd bring our baby girl home from the hospital to was being put together before our eyes. That was June 2011.

Each year we would add a little something to the home. Eight years later, it's pretty well a little dream home in my opinion. 

We brought Raylea home to her little pink room October that year. We learned quickly that a 7 pound person could bring out the very worst and best in you! Nearly every one of my friends were still in college, maybe in a dating relationship. I was in a part of life they had yet to experience and I felt a bit like an alien. I had baby blues for a month or two, but then it lingered for a few months. Finally when Ray was around 4 months old, it went away. I learned being a new mom was not meant for sissies! I think back on the first few months of being a first time mom, and it just seemed dark and lonely. That is why I am very sensitive to moms when they come home from the hospital, especially with that first bundle of joy. I learned to be helpful to new moms even when I was tired myself.

When Ray hit a year old, Grant and I both decided it was time to have another! Well, it wasn't God's timing though. Thirteen months later, the tests still said negative. I had friends getting married at this point and some talking of having babies. I learned to be happy for their exciting news and trust God with my confusion. I learned to be happy for others and not sulk for myself. Finally, at the 13 month mark of waiting, we got a faint positive. I went to Hobby Lobby and got stuff to make a "BIG SIS" sweater for Raylea and I planned how to tell Grant. We told our church that Sunday morning. Literally moments later my stomach felt odd. I felt complications starting. In that very moment my brother in laws and sister in law stood on the stage and sang a song called "Master of the Wind." I was sitting on the front row and I knew I needed to go to the restroom but something inside of me said to sit still and listen. 

These words rolled out of the speakers and fell deep into my soul.

My boat of life sails on a troubled sea
Whenever there's a wind in my sail.
But I have a friend who watches over me
When the breeze turns into a gale.

I know the Master of the wind.
I know the Maker of the rain.
He can calm a storm, make the sun shine again.
I know the Master of the wind.

Sometimes I soar like an eagle in the sky
Above the peaks my soul can be found.
An unexpected storm may drive me from the heights
Brings me low, but never brings me down.

I was experiencing an unexpected storm.

After the song was over, Brooke came over to me and I told her I needed to leave. Grant wasn't sure what was going on exactly but I told him I was stepping out. She quickly met me at her car and drove me home. I bent down crying in the seat as she held my hand. I went home, where Grant and his mom soon met me and family came and went throughout the day. I sat in the tub crying. Not too many hours later I finished miscarrying the baby. The next day I had to visit the doctor. They called and confirmed my counts and that I had indeed miscarried on my own which would keep me from having to come back into the doctor. I sat outside Goodwill by myself after receiving the call and waited for Grant to come back to the car. I text my older brother, and he tried calling me and I didn't answer because I was too upset, so he left me a comforting voicemail. I learned that people who truly and really care for you, will be there at the hard times in your life. I had some people avoid me like the plague because I guess they thought they would cause more damage by acknowledging my situation. I learned during that time to be very sensitive to women who go through such trials. I have had several friends lose babies after my miscarriage, and I feel I wouldn't have been able to have been as sensitive if I didn't understand to some extent how they were feeling during those dark days and nights. I learned what it means for the Lord to give and take away. I learned what it meant to trust Him, whether I was on a mountain top or in a lonesome valley. Perhaps a miscarriage doesn't seem to be a big deal to you, because it's common, but so is losing a spouse or having a sick child. Just because it's common doesn't mean it shouldn't hurt. If you know someone who has went through, or is going through a miscarriage, or trying for a baby, I beg you to be sensitive to them. Think twice about blowing up your Facebook with baby content. Think twice about saying your back hurts when you're 8 months pregnant in front of your friend who is dying to be pregnant. Just think.

The night the doctor had called to confirm with me, I prayed and asked God to give me peace. I begged him for it actually. I fell asleep and dreamt the most beautiful dream I have ever had. 

Jesus was standing there, His features were so bright I couldn't make them out, but I knew it was Him. He was holding a baby up close to his chest. I woke up with so much peace. 

That baby was to be born in August. And through that dream, God gave me peace. Shalom means peace in the Bible.

So, Grant and I named our second baby, August Shalom.

That same year Brooke and the boys made a cd and surprised me by dedicating "Master of the Wind" to August. It'll always be one of my very favorite songs, as I learned to trust the Master of the Wind with the storms in my life.

Just a few months later we did indeed get pregnant and at 13 weeks started having serious complications. 

Dr. told me to my face it will be a "wait and see pregnancy." The high risk nurse told me she'd never seen that size of the type of complication I was having in her 10+ years and that I had a 50% chance of this pregnancy continuing. Well, that was encouraging. They wanted me on bed rest, but since I had a two year old, they knew that wasn't exactly realistic. So, I really had to trust God with this. Long, long story short. I had that little miracle boy at 36 weeks and the cord was wrapped so tight around his neck when he came out, he wasn't crying and the Dr. said he had to pinch him to get him to cry. I had lots of blood loss and was on the line to get a transfusion. Thankfully I got to go home after only two days.

Jack began having seizures around 6 months old. I won't go into detail, but it was a scary time. We were sent to a brain specialist who found something on his brain with the waves of it showing issues. He said that is caused only by a tumor or a brain bleed. Encouraging news again. We prayed. Our church anointed him. Our family fasted. We watched Jack be put to sleep at 9 months old and sent through the tube you see on movies. The next day Jack had his last EVER seizure and the neurologist said he doesn't know what happened but there was absolutely nothing wrong with his brain and he had to take back all the statements he had made about him having many signs of cerebral palsy and many other issues. 

I learned that God had the final say over my little Jack and that no Dr. could tell me his fate, whether that was while he was in my belly or in my arms. He had many negative things spoken over him and God has done nothing but kept him protected. He is our only son and I believe God has something out of this world spectacular in mind to use this vessel named Jack Gannon Ledbetter. I'm honored to be his mom and I pray all the time for God's wisdom as I teach him and for God's anointing to fall on his life.

Grant has went through a few chickens in his day. The most recent being a batch Uncle Zane sent us home with. Raylea and Jack have always loved playing with them, feeding them, and checking the eggs. I learned watching them play, that you don't need stuff or a bunch of fickle friends to make you happy in life. Just God's creation is plenty.

My mom gifted Raylea with a willow tree for her first birthday. Ray turned 7 in October 2018, and that tree is massive. The kids play under it as though it's a play house! I researched online if I could dig it up some way but it's roots are simply to deep. I would kill it if I tried to move it. I used to think I might be the same way... I couldn't leave my roots of Sumner County, Kansas... but I'm planted by the Water, so wherever God leads us, we will be okay because our roots aren't in physical ground. No, we are planted in such a way that some may not understand. We have roots down deep by a stream and I am afraid to ever get away from that stream. God's peace is next to that stream. So, yes, for this time of our life, for a few years? For twenty years? I don't know... Grant and I try to never plan out our lives because we know God is the Protector and Planner. He has always told us when it's time to go and when it's time to stay. It seems we've been told to "go" a lot more than "stay", but I have prayed countless prayers over Grant's pillow in our 11 years of marriage, that God would use us however He wishes. I never once have prayed for God to keep us comfortable, with a steady paycheck, or with the same relationships. I've always just prayed for God to use us and keep us sensitive to His voice, nobody else's. I have learned the lesson of leaning and listening while on Joes Road. 

I moved my altar to the woods a couple years ago. Last summer I fell down at it on a hot summer day. I told God I was giving Him a certain situation that I had no control over. I felt the SON beat down on me. I felt God say, "I got you, Hannah." I have received kindness from people I never thought I would see it from ever since I prayed that day.

I have learned to just listen and lean on Him... and I'm still doing so.

A few years back, I went through depression. I actually was so down, I don't really remember very many details in my life during that 6 months unless I see a video or a photo. Arrow was born in the middle of it, and she brought much happiness to my life. 

Sitting on my living room couch, my family prayed over me and I was miraculously delivered from depression that January evening. 

I learned God heals instantaneously, too! I've not once dealt with depression again and that's been over 2 years ago now. 

I learned friends will come and friends will go. Some as quickly as the seasons change and leaves fall off of the trees, they will vanish. But, I also learned there are some Jonathon's out there, there to stay, there to be loyal, there to sharpen my iron. There to just be. I thank God for each alike, for if I hadn't had some leave, I wouldn't be thankful for those who stayed. I learned how to be a friend, to the friendless, and I learned to trust God with all my relationships.

 I've seen God do the same in Grant's life. It's been a wonderful thing to see.

I learned to be a more loving wife. Not such a nagging one. Five or six years ago, I couldn't say that! But, God showed me things I was doing wrong and I can say with much gladness, my marriage is the most unified it's been in our 11 years. Far from perfect, but what is perfect anyways?? Rhonda got his name from the scripture about God granting Hannah's petition to have a child... and obviously my name is from Hannah in 1 Samuel... same passages. So, I think God had it planned way back in 1988 when we both were born that we'd be the team He wanted together. I'm sure glad I learned on Joes Road that being a wife isn't what the world has it painted out to be... but I learned what it says in the Bible. That she is to be a helper, not a hindrance. She is to be a safe haven, not someone who causes strife. She is to be a encourager, not someone who puts down. I learned those lessons all on my own. Me and my Bible. Usually at the kitchen table, before anyone was awake. I learned to be a Christian in my marriage at home, in private, not just around people and put on a front. I learned to have peace and to make peace and work for peace. I learned to appreciate a man who has only been faithful to God, me and his kids. I learned to appreciate someone who cares more about my happiness then their own. I learned to be a friend, not just a wife.

I learned to pray with him and over him. I don't pray loud, I don't sweat and holler or use big fancy words. I pray how God made me to pray, and for me, that is sometimes so quietly, you can't hear the words coming out. That is the most important thing I can think I learned while on Joes Road. I learned to pray. In my own unique way. I'm pretty redneck, so I'm glad God understands me when I say words that aren't in the right context. "for now on..." (inside joke with you, Grant.)

But, I am teared up thinking of my special times praying here. Yes, I've stayed home and raised all my kids here the first several years of their lives. I've spent 8 Christmas' here. I have had friends of every kind sit on my porch or at my table. I've made countless cups of coffee for Aunt Kay. I've had almost all my kids' birthday parties here. I've burnt more food than I care to admit in my little kitchen and I've watched Grant drown it in ranch dressing to be able to swallow it down as he tried to keep from gagging. I've learned how to make homemade ice cream, sweet tea and overnight oats here. I have sprayed off my porch and house more times than I care to admit. I've taught Raylea to read at our kitchen table and now I've been working on Jack. I've also watched my kids draw picture after picture with chalk on the cement right outside my kitchen window. I went a few weeks without my smartphone this past month and I realized we complicate life so much by living through a 5 inch screen. I learned that getting rid of my social media wasn't enough. Deleting apps such as YouTube and Pinterest was just as necessary for me to be more present to my family. Everyone is different, but for me, I found these things very time consuming, so I'd rather just cut the access off rather than waste time using them. I have been learning how to use my time more wisely lately.

Sure, eight years may not seem long to some of you. But, to me, it's been the happiest 8 years of my life. It's been the lessons learned that make those years so precious. God's led us down many roads before, but He has always given us that hope and promise that we will reach the other side. So, in the next month as we pack up and move east, I will be doing a lot of thanking as I go through many memories God allowed us to have here. This was a season. Now, onto the next.

We will not once give up on God's promises and we will never give up on following Him, even if it isn't the comfortable and convenient thing to do. So often times people think if you walk away from something, you are quitting or giving up, but in God's ways, He also will demand that you walk towards something instead of staying put. So, I have learned that most definitely. I'm so glad I have a husband who knows when to stay and when to go, because He listens to one Voice.

To walk, doesn't mean to quit, it often means to begin. 

One day, if God allows me to, I will write a book. I will likely have a chapter in it about Joes Road. Because this was just a fraction of what I'd like to say about this piece of ground.

I've learned lessons I never thought I'd learn before I moved out here, but I wouldn't be who I am today without those divine teachings from the Master.




Listen to God today. You might have to clear out some noise first. But, it's well worth the listen.

The King and the Slave

Can't hardly believe 2018 has come to an end. Some celebrate achievements that took place this year, and some grieve the circumstances that they are in right now. Many will make a resolution of eating better and working out, while some will not even try, because they failed every other year.

This week I sat at our kitchen table and was overcome with the fact that life is kind of passing me by. I stay home and raise my kids, and watch their every move, but they still seem to grow a foot every night. Arrow was helping me clean inside cabinets this morning and Raylea read her two younger siblings a story on her bed last night. Jack prayed as he went to sleep, "I really love you, God. I really love you, Jesus." 

My all time favorite song is "Through it all." We've been singing it a lot this week and the line "if I never had a problem, I wouldn't know God could solve them, wouldn't know what faith in His Word could do," has brought so much peace to my soul.

I look in every direction and see hurting people and down right bad situations. Stuff you couldn't even make up. I have been thinking a lot today about my priorities and what matters in life. 

I am making some changes later today and I'm really excited about them. Cutting out some distractions. Not really something I meant to do on New Years, but it just worked out that way.

This morning I read in Jeremiah a story I hadn't personally read before. It's found in chapter 38 if you have time to read it later.

Princes accused Jeremiah and demanded his death for speaking Truth. The king allowed him to be thrown into a miry dungeon, where there was no water, just mire. It said he sunk into it.

I don't know if it was an hour later or the next day, but the very next verse, verse 7 to be exact, says that one of the king's slaves, an Ethiopian named Ebed-melech, heard what the king had allowed to happen to Jeremiah. He went to the king and told him it was evil! The king commanded the slave to take thirty men with him and get Jeremiah out of the dungeon! So, he did.

I want you to really think about this. This is not a nice story you just heard me tell, but this happened to real people, not too terribly long ago, actually, on the same planet you live on right now.

Now, think about that Ethiopian man. Ebed-melech. He was used greatly by God to stand up to a king and put his own life on the line. He didn't beat around the bush either. He called it evil what had been done to that prophet. That man of God. Jeremiah. He did not rally a bunch of the other slaves to be standing behind him when he approached the king. He didn't even make a big long drawn out statement. You can read exactly what he said in one verse, verse 9. 

Think about the courage it took for that slave to stand up to someone who was his boss. His authority. He challenged the man who could have him killed in an instant. 

CHURCH! CHRISTIANS! GOD'S BRIDE!

When is the last time you stood up for what was right? When is the last time you cared more about God's work being done and His will being completed, rather than saving your own tail. Seriously. Think about it. 

It's not popular to stand up for what's right. It's not popular at all to say someone's deeds are evil, especially if you are the slave doing the talking. But, God doesn't look at the crown on one's head. So, with that being said, I want to talk about the king. 

King Zedekiah. He obviously had some power. He was a king.

He probably had a nice bed and a My Pillow covered with a silk pillowcase. 

He had the title of king and took much pride in it.

He had all the Facebook followers and a great name for himself. 

He had people working under him and didn't have to do the work, but got all the glory.

He probably was being fed grapes and had a giant leaf waved towards him to keep him refreshed.

He had new wheels on his carriage and his horses were fed the best grains.

He was probably sitting their swallowing one of those chilled grapes, as the door opened and was approached by his own slave.

What I love about this story, is that God used the king's very own slave to challenge him! He didn't use an enemy or a best friend. He used someone who was much lower than him and who had no authority over him. Yet, God had favor on Jeremiah and used Ebed-melech to rescue him by standing in the gap that day. 

I wander what would have happened if that slave would have been down and depressed on himself. What if he was at home sulking about how bad stuff was and how there was no way to change the situation. What if he would have just laid out some clean clothes to wear to Jeremiah's funeral. What if he just stayed on his phone, scrolling through social media, looking at everyone's "perfect/happy" lives and thought, I have it so bad. What do I have to live for anyways? What if he would have stayed home and let anger rise up towards the princes and the king and he started texting all his fellow slaves and gossiping about how sinful they were for doing that to Jeremiah. What if he would have just said, "God will take care of it. I will just sit here and pray about it I guess.."

Sometimes we have to put legs on that faith and those prayers. Example. I have prayed for God to remove any relationships, hobbies, and distractions from my life that won't draw me closer to Him. I had no idea what would happen when I prayed that prayer! I had to trust God to bring godly, God-fearing friends in my life who aren't afraid to stand up for me, because Lord knows I have felt like Jeremiah in the past, and needed friends who would sharpen my iron, in other words, make me a stronger Christian, even if their advice wasn't what I wanted to hear. I NEED those people in my life and God has granted me with those God-ties. And I trust Him to bring people in and out of my life as He sees fit.

One distraction I'm getting rid of for the next month or so, is my phone. We are going to Walmart later to get me a tracfone and I plan on spending the next several weeks earnestly seeking God and asking Him to reveal and remove any sin from my life and I plan on a revival taking place in my heart. 

I plan on having meetings with God instead of grabbing my phone every hour or two.

So, I know this post wasn't as well put together as usual, but I just wrote what was on my heart, as it came to me. Maybe instead of starting something this year, you need to stop doing something. Ask God to reveal it. He will.

Be like that slave. Be courageous and stand up for men and women of God and stand up for TRUTH.

We Christians are on the same team, we often forget. So, let's start acting/praying like it.

You can be the king/prince and be evil and against God's people/work.

Or, you can be Jeremiah or Ebed-melech. Faithful and courageous.

I appreciate any person who took time to read this, but just know, I don't do this for any other reason than to hope SOMEBODY out there draws closer to God. Even if you read this in 50 years and I'm dead... I just want you to lean on the Lord, whoever you may be.

Have a GOD filled 2019.

Hannah Jo

For such a time as this

For the past couple of months, my heart has ached for my friend, Aunt Kay. She was one of the closest people in my life and she'll never be replaced. She called me daily, and if I didn't answer she would leave me a voicemail which usually began with, "hi baby..." or "hi pun'kin" and then she would go on to tell me the date and the time she was calling, exactly what she was doing and for me to return the call at my convenience. When Aunt Kay died, I felt like I would never be able to recover totally from that loss. And, although I have been able to laugh, I still find myself every single day wishing I could drive 10 miles down the road to her house and sit and fold laundry with her, or sit on the porch and watch her grandsons play with my kids in the front yard. When she went to Heaven, I truly did lose a true friend. She wasn't one who would ever leave me. She always stayed true to herself and to God. She spoke truth and said it in love. She got that quality from her mom.

Well, in the midst of all the change in my life over the course of the past couple of years, I have realized nothing does truly last forever, expect relationships. Certain relationships that is. And the more I have thought about it, the more I have realized that us, like Esther, was born for a time such as this. For a purpose, a certain purpose. Not an accident.

Mother, you were born for such a time as this to be the lighthouse for those kids of yours. To be the prayer warrior who will get on her knees daily and pray for redemption to come in your child's life. It is you who God wants to set the example of a faithful, godly woman. Love your child and show them the way back home. But, don't let it sting too bad when they refuse to accept God immediately. Their time will come. You keep praying and believing. 

Father, you were born for such a time as this to be the head of the home. Stop playing church. Stop being so consumed with your job, your friends, your desires. Love those kids. Even if they are adults, you can still show them they matter. Call them and check on them. Just ask how there day is. You haven't spoken in years? Well, change that. You were a bad father as they were growing up? Change that now. Show them you care and go above and beyond. Buy them a nice gift. Write them a note. Love their mother. Make more memories instead of more money. 

Child, you were born for such a time as this to honor your parents. Maybe your parents are divorced or never show you the love your heart longs for, but you can be the example and God will honor you. Respect your mom or dad, or aunt or uncle, or grandparent, who ever you live with and pays the bills and puts food on the table for you. Help with chores and don't expect paid. Do it with a smile! When my little girl wakes up in the morning and makes her bed every day before coming out of the bedroom, that makes my heart so happy as a mom. Trust me, just pick up after yourself and ask your guardian if they need any help. Obey, respect and honor! When you're a parent one day, you'll realize exactly what I'm talking about. 

Preacher, keep on preaching, for you were born for such a time as this. You might not be the next Billy Graham, but if you are preaching Jesus and the Bible, you are just as valuable to the Kingdom as Billy! A soul will be changed for eternity thanks to your sacrifice and commitment to the Father.

Minister's wife, keep on supporting, loving and being a godly woman, for you were born for such a time as this. I know the many trials that comes with your position. Keep your head up, and remember that God will always fight for His own. Be a sheep, not a wolf in sheep's clothing. In other words, be the real deal. Love people. Forgive people. Build people up. Mostly, cover your husband with prayer.

Christian, you were born for such a time as this. 

Maybe your life is going in the complete opposite direction than your heart desires to go. Trust God's plan, not your own. Life isn't meant to be simple, easy, a road free of hurts, pain, betrayal and death. No, it is quite the contrary. You'll face things in life that unbelievers won't face. Look at John, he was beheaded. Stephen, stoned. Noah, made fun of for being simply obedient to God. You'll have people come and people go in life. You'll have jobs come and go, you'll have homes come and go. Your health might even come and go. But, the one thing that will remain, is your faith in God and His love for you. He is the same forever. So, whatever your day is like. Whatever your month may bring... just know that God will always go before you, and then as you walk through whatever trial or blessing you face, He too, will walk beside you. 

Aunt Kay sang a song her brother, Danny, wrote for her. It says "everything will be alright, My child, everything will be alright... because your Mine, the sun will shine again for you, I promise everything will be alright."

Aunt Kay is with the Son that will always shine and I encourage you this day, to press on to that same promise of eternal life. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it says in Romans that anyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved. Call upon Jesus and He will be faithful to forgive you of your sins. Live for Him and nothing else.

Remember...

You were born for such a time as this.

Can you weep?

There were four platforms, standing several hundred feet off of the ground.

There was one Christian standing on each of them.

There was no way to climb down and no way to get off, other than jumping to their own death. There were fires lit under each platform and I watched these Christians die for their faith.

I shot awake.


 I heard a still small voice in my heart say to open my bible. It was still dark outside and I didn't want to wake everyone up so I grabbed my phone and hurriedly opened up my Bible app. It was as though someone told me exactly where to go to in the Bible, I didn't have to think about it, I just found Lamentations, Chapter 3, and I started to read.

 A couple hours later I got my actual Bible and went to study the book and I had placed a magnetic book marker on the exact page of Chapter 3 in Lamentations, perhaps months ago!

Lament is a passionate expression of grief, sorrow or weeping. The book tells of the complete emptiness and destruction of Judah after the fall of Jerusalem.

Jeremiah warned people for forty years to turn from their evil ways, but they would not, and did not listen. The Babylonians attacked and The City was left in a heap of rubble!

Jeremiah wept over this!

This wasn’t even his sin that he was weeping over.
That is a heart of a true Christ follower.
Not only to weep over our own sin, but to weep over sin in general.

Oh, how I wanted to weep when I saw those four Christians in my dream being burned alive just because they were a Christian. In that moment, if I would have been on that platform, I would have wanted to speak the promise "no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper." But, what if our trial or even matter of death is not a weapon, but a path God has chosen for us to walk? He has already conquered all defeats we may face in this life. I chose to trust God not only when he sees it best to heal and rescue me, but also if he sees fit for me to fight a battle because I will have the opportunity to trust Him and place it in His hands, including my own life. Just like those four Christians in my dream did.

In Jeremiah 2:13 it says they had forsaken the Fountain of Living Waters!

That is what I want to get at.


I've heard messages and studies on us leaving our first love, taken from a passage in Revelation. But, I want to talk to you today about forsaking the Living Water.






Why have you left that glorious Fountain? Your one true Friend, who will stick closer than a brother? Why have you sat in His presence only to turn away? Why have you put your desires over God's plan for your life? Why? Like the first verse in the first chapter of Lamentations... "HOW."



How could you leave your first Love? How could you feel his peace only to push it away for a desire that will last but only a season? Relationships, lifestyles, attitudes, addictions, gossip, disobedience...



how? why?




I woke from that dream and I felt overwhelmed with conviction. I felt I would never be the same, and I pray I never forget how I felt when I woke from that dream.

 We will never be perfect, yes, I know.

But, God is coming back for a bride who is spotless, without blemish. So, please don't get upset when I say, I don't believe you can remind God of His grace when you stand before a God who destroyed cities because of sin, sent a whale to swallow up a disobedient preacher, and sent man to work and aloud woman to labor because they fell for a lie from the evil serpent.

 I believe Jeremiah had the heart many of us Christians need to get or regain. Do we weep over sin? Not gossip about someone's issues, but get alone by ourselves and repent for our sins.




We quickly forget once Easter is gone, about the price Jesus paid on the Cross for our sins. We remember it a little when Christmas arrives and we read the story of Him being born thousands of years ago, but we stay so busy worrying about having hundreds of dollars of gifts under a sparkly tree, that Jesus soon slips our mind.


What is it in your life?



You don't have to tell me, or a preacher, counselor or a pope.


You talk to Jesus. He is the only One you ever need to talk to.

 Unforgivness is a sin that is similar to a broken rib. Nobody else sees or feels the pain, other than you. Soon, you will pass that cancer on to your kids and their kids. Before long, you'll have a great big family of people who don't know how to forgive.


On the way to my Granny's funeral two weeks ago, my dad had me read a little pamphlet by A.W. Tozer. It said in there something along the lines that it will show how much we understand what Jesus did on the Cross for our sins by how we love/forgive others.



Think about that for a few minutes.


How easily you can forgive someone is really a reflection of how much you truly grasp and understand the cost of Jesus' death on the Cross.





So, perhaps you need to weep over not forgiving someone.



Maybe you drink. Gossip. Cuss your employees out. Tear people down instead of build them up.

Chose to do things your way instead of God's way, because it's just easier and more comfortable.

Always manipulating people and situations. Read about the life of Jezebel.

Lying.

Wishing evil on others.

Rejoicing when someone is hurting, and being jealous when they succeed.






I know for me, what God convicted me about, is my lack of time I spend with Him.

 My eyes water as I type those words.


God has saved me from so much. Many things I will never even know about.
I will be thirty years old on November 17th, and I pray I will live my next thirty, forty or fifty years of life like I never have before. Drawing closer to Jesus and becoming more like Him, and much less like "me."




I prayed a couple weeks ago for God to help me get up earlier to spend time with Him, and I kid you not, all three of my kids have been waking up no later than 6:00 in the morning almost every day since then. It's almost like God wanted me to see that I could get up earlier and He will make a way for me to do it! So, I am purposing in my heart to spend time with Him more. Not just reading my Bible app for twenty minutes before bed. Reading my good ole paper Bible. And praying on my knees, not with my head on the pillow. I chose to live my life in a way pleasing to God, not to men. I chose to make decisions pleasing to God, not to men. And I chose to love in a way that is pleasing to God, not to men.









Whatever you have chosen over the Living Water, I ask that you'd find time today to weep over it.


Don't just find time, make the time.




Some lyrics say, "tell your friends that this is where the party ends, until you're broken for your sins you can't be social..."





















And lastly.

As Pastor Zane always says, "I don't know about you, but I am going to be in the altar praying."

Lamentations

Chapter Three

1) I Am the man that hath seen affliction by the rod of his wrath.

² He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light.

³ Surely against me is he turned; he turneth his hand against me all the day.

⁴ My flesh and my skin hath he made old; he hath broken my bones.

⁵ He hath builded against me, and compassed me with gall and travail.

⁶ He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old.

⁷ He hath hedged me about, that I cannot get out: he hath made my chain heavy.

⁸ Also when I cry and shout, he shutteth out my prayer.

⁹ He hath inclosed my ways with hewn stone, he hath made my paths crooked.

¹⁰ He was unto me as a bear lying in wait, and as a lion in secret places.

¹¹ He hath turned aside my ways, and pulled me in pieces: he hath made me desolate.

¹² He hath bent his bow, and set me as a mark for the arrow.

¹³ He hath caused the arrows of his quiver to enter into my reins.

¹⁴ I was a derision to all my people; and their song all the day.

¹⁵ He hath filled me with bitterness, he hath made me drunken with wormwood.

¹⁶ He hath also broken my teeth with gravel stones, he hath covered me with ashes.

¹⁷ And thou hast removed my soul far off from peace: I forgat prosperity.

¹⁸ And I said, My strength and my hope is perished from the Lord:

¹⁹ Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall.

²⁰ My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me.

²¹ This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.

²² It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.

²³ They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

²⁴ The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

²⁵ The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.

²⁶ It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord.

²⁷ It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.

²⁸ He sitteth alone and keepeth silence, because he hath borne it upon him.

²⁹ He putteth his mouth in the dust; if so be there may be hope.

³⁰ He giveth his cheek to him that smiteth him: he is filled full with reproach.

³¹ For the Lord will not cast off for ever:

³² But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.

³³ For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.

³⁴ To crush under his feet all the prisoners of the earth.

³⁵ To turn aside the right of a man before the face of the most High,

³⁶ To subvert a man in his cause, the Lord approveth not.

³⁷ Who is he that saith, and it cometh to pass, when the Lord commandeth it not?

³⁸ Out of the mouth of the most High proceedeth not evil and good?

³⁹ Wherefore doth a living man complain, a man for the punishment of his sins?

⁴⁰ Let us search and try our ways, and turn again to the Lord.

⁴¹ Let us lift up our heart with our hands unto God in the heavens.

⁴² We have transgressed and have rebelled: thou hast not pardoned.

⁴³ Thou hast covered with anger, and persecuted us: thou hast slain, thou hast not pitied.

⁴⁴ Thou hast covered thyself with a cloud, that our prayer should not pass through.

⁴⁵ Thou hast made us as the offscouring and refuse in the midst of the people.

⁴⁶ All our enemies have opened their mouths against us.

⁴⁷ Fear and a snare is come upon us, desolation and destruction.

⁴⁸ Mine eye runneth down with rivers of water for the destruction of the daughter of my people.

⁴⁹ Mine eye trickleth down, and ceaseth not, without any intermission.

⁵⁰ Till the Lord look down, and behold from heaven.

⁵¹ Mine eye affecteth mine heart because of all the daughters of my city.

⁵² Mine enemies chased me sore, like a bird, without cause.

⁵³ They have cut off my life in the dungeon, and cast a stone upon me.

⁵⁴ Waters flowed over mine head; then I said, I am cut off.

⁵⁵ I called upon thy name, O Lord, out of the low dungeon.

⁵⁶ Thou hast heard my voice: hide not thine ear at my breathing, at my cry.

⁵⁷ Thou drewest near in the day that I called upon thee: thou saidst, Fear not.

⁵⁸ O Lord, thou hast pleaded the causes of my soul; thou hast redeemed my life.

⁵⁹ O Lord, thou hast seen my wrong: judge thou my cause.

⁶⁰ Thou hast seen all their vengeance and all their imaginations against me.

⁶¹ Thou hast heard their reproach, O Lord, and all their imaginations against me;

⁶² The lips of those that rose up against me, and their device against me all the day.

⁶³ Behold their sitting down, and their rising up; I am their musick.

⁶⁴ Render unto them a recompence, O Lord, according to the work of their hands.

⁶⁵ Give them sorrow of heart, thy curse unto them.

⁶⁶ Persecute and destroy them in anger from under the heavens of the Lord.



For my grandkids

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last week we buried my Granny.

I'm so thankful for the many times I had with her.

It got me to thinking, since I have this little page, why not write some stuff for my grandkids to read one day. (if the Lord doesn't come back by then)

 

 

 

 

Since I will be the big 3-0 in a couple of weeks, I will write that many random things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. I was saved at 17 years old in Wellington, Kansas. The same town I was born 17 years prior.

 

2. I met Grant their. (your Grandpa) ok, now that feels weird writing being that our oldest is only 7.

 

3. I hope to write a book one day. Not for fame or fortune, but because God laid it on my heart.

 

4. One of my closest friends in the world died this year. Kay Francis O'Bar. She was your grandpa's aunt on his dad's side. I have struggled lately with her being gone. She called me more than anyone else to just check on me. Always, always check on people. It will mean more to them than you'll ever know.

 

5. We have one baby in Heaven. They passed away in my belly on December 15th, 2013.

 

6. My arms are double jointed.

 

7. The first time I ever saw the Ocean I was with my mom and older brother at Myrtle Beach, in South Carolina. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I was around 12.

 

8. I stay on home right now and raise our three kids. I am homeschooling full time.

 

9. I suggest not having social media, or whatever they are calling it these days.

 

10. Raylea was the name of a fake baby I had in High School. I got NEGATIVE 120% on that thing. I pronounced "Raleigh".... "Ray-LEE," when trying to name that little battery operated baby doll. That is where my older brother lived and so I named the baby that. Grant at the time was just starting to like me and asked what the baby's name was. I told him. He had me repeat it several times. I said "RAYLEA!" He said "that is my mom and dad's middle names slid together!" I smiled and said, "well, if we get married one day and have girl we will name her that."

 

11. I went to NYC and DC in the 6th grade. Wish to go back one day with Grant.

 

12. I dream of living by the ocean. Anytime I stand next to the water, I seem to forget my problems and I can almost feel God touch me. His Hand is all over creation, just look around a little.

 

13. I used to be a bad people pleaser. There is nothing wrong with being kind, but don't please people over pleasing God. People will let you down, so don't be too offended when it happens.

 

14. Stop and smell the flowers. Seriously.

 

15. Thank God for the problems and issues you have. Like my favorite hymn says, "if I never had a problem, I wouldn't know God could solve them, wouldn't know what faith in His word could do."

 

16. Don't drink. It ruins lives.

 

17. I love taking baths. I take them nearly every night! Usually one of the kiddos gets in with me. So, it's not too relaxing, but I will have time for those before I know it.

 

18. I've never had a cavity. Hopefully you have my genes for that!

 

19. I was married at 19. December 29th, 2007.

 

20. Christmas is my favorite.

 

21. Never give up on people. Even if they've hurt you, lied about you, stomped on your heart... don't give up on them. God never gave up on you.

 

22. Cherish your spouse.

 

23. I've had a Maltese dog, Sophie since 2009. She is nearly 9. I am writing this on November 1st, 2018. We call her "Soph-a-Doph."

 

24. Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup is my favorite meal of all time.

 

25. I love being with my family. Never take family for granted. They will be there when everyone else decides they are too busy for ya.

 

26. Fall in love with God. It's different than loving Him.

 

27. I like to hunt whitetail deer. I haven't killed any monsters, but hunting itself is very enjoyable to me. I do a lot of prayin' in the stand.

 

28. Wear your seatbelt. Always keep a close eye on your kids. They are my great-grandkids, you know.

 

29. I am 29. If you ever read this, I may be 69!

 

30. Make it count. Whatever you do in life, do it for God. Not for yourself or for another person. Make Him happy and seek His face. Get alone and talk to Him daily. Even if you have to do it in the dark of the night. He will meet you.

 

 



Fear. Depression. Suicide.

 

 

 

Fear.

 

He is a liar.

 

----------

 

Fear

 

you don't own me, there ain't no room in this story.

 

---------

 

Whom then shall I

 

Fear?

 

 

 

 

Just a few songs that are popular in our churches and on the radio regarding this byproduct of our thoughts. Yes, danger is a real thing, but I believe we make the choice to be fearful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know of someone who wanted to die a couple years ago because they feared nobody loved them, nobody cared, and those who acted like they cared, only did it because they had to.

 

 

 

 

That someone was me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My cousin Crosby Jane, taught on what depression is last week at Bible Study. (You did an excellent job, Cros.)

 

But, it made me start thinking again about how I got to that point. Sure, there were some situations in my life that were stressful, but everyone has those. I realized I allowed fear to overtake me. Not just in my thoughts, but in my actions. It started out where I was scared to drive some days, thinking I might get in a wreck and die. These fears eventually made me feel weird, alone and like I could surely never open up to anyone about them. So, I kept to myself. Me, and my scared little self. Those scant worries, turned into a countless list of fears.

 

 

I started to fear I wasn't good enough for my husband and kids. I was afraid I was letting them down. I allowed this fear, weaved with insecurities, to find it's way into all my relationships. I tried so hard to win others over, my closest friends, surface relationship friends, and acquaintances, all the while I was making myself feel worse because they weren't meeting my unrealistic expectations of being extra kind back.

 

I thought to myself, I am just a waste of time! Why am I even here? I have no big talents, callings or gifts. I never went to college and got a degree. I don't even have a social media page to post photos on to make others believe I am happy at least!  

 

 

 

When in reality, I was a wreck.

 

 

 

I was a hidden wreck.

 

 

 

 

My very closest friends had no idea I was depressed. They had no idea I felt I was a problem to them. A second thought. On the back burner. I never even told my husband. And I tell him everything.

 

 

 

 

So, how did I become depressed? It's now been over a year and a half ago that I was supernaturally delivered, so I've had time to somewhat think it over. I believe I was overcome with fear in every single area of my life.

 

 

 

 

 

I feared I was a failure, and if I wasn't failing in an area, I soon would be.

 

I feared my family wouldn't even miss me if I was gone.

 

I feared I wasn't making a difference.

 

I feared I wasn't enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I suppose I want to write this today just for you. You person out there who is hiding behind something.

 

Maybe you have the social media page with all the beautiful photos and positive posts to hide behind. Or the college degree and great job.

Or the handsome husband and cute kids.

Or the title of being a preacher.

Or the position at a church.

Or the makeup and hair and pretty clothes.

Or the funny personality and big smile.

 

 

 

I hid behind kindness. I have always had a kind, tender, and (sometimes overly sensitive) heart. And so I did what I naturally knew to do to make myself feel happier. I tried to make everyone else happy. So, behind all my kind deeds, my over the top thoughtfulness, although, is pretty much the norm for this chick. I mean, Acts of Service is my top love language, people! I still hid behind it because I felt safe and like nobody would ever figure me out.

 

 

 So, instead of being kind, I did it over the top to anyone and everyone and it wore me out. Mentally and physically.

 

 

 

 

 

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

 

 

I felt tormented with my fear of worthlessness. I allowed my thoughts to become so negative about myself, I didn't like even my best qualities. I was absolutely tormented by Satan. Again, alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

2 Timothy 1:7

 

 

God never gave this spirit of fear to me. Instead, He gives the spirit of POWER, LOVE and a SOUND (controlled) MIND (thoughts.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Psalms 23:4

 

 

 

It doesn't matter how bad life is. I have a grandmother I visited just last weekend, who is entering that valley of the shadow of death. She wanted to pray with me when I asked her if she had any sin in her heart and wanted to make everything right with the Lord this summer when I called her on the phone. I have talked to my Aunt Connie all week through text messages and every day for the past two days she says her sister (my Granny) is resting peacefully. I believe that is because God is with her in these last moments. He is comforting her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?

Psalms 118:6

 

 

There is no lie, no rumor, no misunderstanding, that the Lord won't be on your side about. I am always quick to forgive because I have messed up many times. But, I also have been completely innocent and had to allow God to defend me! I had to trust that He would make it all right. And He ALWAYS has. God will defend you! Don't try defending yourself!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ye shall not fear them: for the Lord your God he shall fight for you.

Deuteronomy 3:22

 

 

 

An echo of the verse above, let GOD do the fighting. I have went through things where I wanted to fight for myself or for a loved one. But, God has always spoken to me in a still small voice, that I won't do any good, I would only make it worse. So, by placing situations that are out of my control in His Hands, He sees I really do trust Him. You can trust Jesus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Better is little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble therewith.

Proverbs 15:16

 

 

 

Don't worry about the little or even big stuff in life. Sure, that's easier said than done. We all fight our own battles and we all are fighting some alone and only God knows about them. But, fear, respect, honor and have reverence towards the Lord. Don't get yourself into trouble by worrying so much about your reputation, your bank account, your appearance, your number of likes or friends, your car you drive, the home ya live in. All that will be burned up in 100 years... I am not what I would call or consider a smart person, but I feel like the answer to every problem we have in life would be fixed if we'd truly apply this last verse. Fear the Lord.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lastly, if you are depressed, tell a trusted friend, family member, or minster.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THIS IF FOR YOU

 

 

 

You do matter and you ARE making a difference.

 

You were put here for such a time as this!

 

You are LOVED.

 

You are enough.

 

God has a purpose for you, one that nobody else can fulfill.