Sometimes, things turn out different...

 

 

As a young girl I remember feeling stuck. I felt I would never change. I would remain 10 years old forever. I dreamt of what it would be like to be an adult. Be able to do what I want. Eat what I wanted. Not eat what I didn’t want to. No school work. No snotty girls in the hallway. No designated bedtime.

 

Now, I’m nearly 26. Gone are the days where my mom can make me eat my whole dinner plate. (Now, I am making my little girl eat all the food off of hers.) I have been married 7 years nearly. I remember thinking as Grant and I were dating, “we will never have a disagreement..” Well, if you’re reading this and you’re married, you know the truth behind that. We all have disagreements. I have been a mom now for nearly 3 years, (not counting the months I was pregnant with my first.) I remember before I was a mom, thinking to myself how being a mom, especially a stay at home mom, would be such a simple and fun job. The first few weeks after leaving the hospital with our firstborn, Grant and I both realized being a parent is not for cowards, wimps or half-hearted folk. I thought I would never make it through as a new parent the first couple months, but sure enough, I did.

 

I’ve been saved for 8 and ½ years. I remember making plans to go to college at a school a few hours away in which I had a good scholarship lined out for. I had many, many plans. Then, I got saved. My plans, desires and path changed. Completely. Have you ever seen those awful pictures on tabloids as you stand in the line at the supermarket, the ones of celebrities before and after make-up? Well, that was the kind of change my soul had. It went from U-G-L-Y, to gorgeous. I didn’t change overnight. I am still changing actually. Every day I learn something new from God, and I do whatever I can to apply it. But I sure did change from that day forward!

 

I definitely don’t want to go back to being 10. I don’t want to go back to the time Grant and I were dating, and I don’t want to go back to the time in which I didn’t have a little toddler to chase around 24/7. I most definitely don’t want to go back to the time in which I didn’t know Jesus.

 

What I have learned, just today, through a situation that was pretty serious, is this;

 

I can close my eyes and imagine what it may be like one day… if.

If I was an adult.

If I was married.

If I was a mom.

And the truth of it all is, things don’t always pan out how you think they will.

 

Being an adult can be hard. You have financial stress and pressure.

Being married can be hard. You don’t always agree and you each now how to irritate the other better than anyone else knows how to.

Being a mom can be hard. You live in a state of exhaustion, and you don’t realize it.

 

I know God makes no mistakes, and someone had to remind me of that recently. Satan had tried telling me for some time that I was not very good at anything I did.

Wife. Mom. Friend. Daughter. Daughter-in-law. Sister. Sister-in-law. Granddaughter. Niece. Cousin. Writer. Christian.

Every single role I play, the devil made me believe I am not good at any of them. Thankfully, he only had me convinced for a short time, but nonetheless, he did have me convinced.

 

I believe he knew I was an easy target because I try so hard and I love so deep.

 

I want to make Grant happy. I want him to be sad to leave home and happy to come back. I want to please and satisfy him as his help meet and his best friend. I want to be everything for him. I haven’t always been the best wife. I am still not the best, but I want to be the best God can make me be for him. I want that truly more than anything. One day, Raylea, Jack and if there are any more to come, will all be grown up and gone. Grant will be who is left in my home. I want to make sure I invested much energy and love into him now, so when it’s just us again, he will know he was always number one in my life, after God of course.

 

I want to be a good mom. I want to be the world’s best in Raylea and Jack’s eyes. I know I get frustrated with Ray at times, (she is almost 3.) But I try very hard to teach her about Jesus and I try very hard to show her the love that I have felt from him. I want to be the wife, mom and Christian she wants to be like. Jack will be here in just 11 weeks, or less. I want to teach him all about Jesus and I know Grant will show him the type of husband and dad he should strive to be.

 

Each day, it may not turn out just like how I imagined it, but if I am seeking God and asking Him for his protection and direction, things must be turning out the way He wants them to.

 

And that’s all that matters.

 

So, don't focus so much on what you want.

But, focus on what God is doing.

 

And just be satisfied with that.

 

After every storm, there's a rainbow...

That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

1 Peter 1:7

Something happened to me today, that has never happened before. I went to open my blog that I have worked on for a month and it was gone. Not there. Deleted.

I prayed and I just suppose the Lord wanted me to re-write and maybe bring some new things to my mind.

Today though, I woke up and saw the calendar.

August 1st.



Last December, as most of you probably remember, we found out we were pregnant and we miscarried that baby all within the same week. It was Christmas not long after that day, and looking back, it all seems like a blur. I was there, but my heart was somewhere far, far away.

Unless you've wanted a baby, and then lost that baby, you don't know the pain, as hard as you try to imagine it. I used to always say it would never happen to me. But it did.

There were some pretty unthoughtful things said during that month.

I learned that not everyone thinks before they talk. I knew that before, but I really got it then.

The hugs, the silence, those who shared tears with me, the flowers, the prayers. That’s what I will really remember though.

True friends are sad in your sadness and happy in your happiness.

I will never forget those who were sad and sensitive to us.

We were encouraged by some friends who lost their baby as well a few months prior, to name our baby, even though we didn’t know their gender.

August Shalom is what we named that precious little baby.

August 18th was their "due date" and Shalom means "peace."

It makes my heart happy when someone calls my baby by name instead of referring to them as “the miscarriage.”
 

Just because they didn’t get to live as long as you or I doesn’t mean they don’t get a name too.

I struggled for a short time, but God gave me the most amazing peace.

Grant and I have a little girl, and we know the depths of a love you have for your child, so that baby dying was hard for us personally because we imagined loving that baby the way we do Raylea.

I don't know how it feels to lose a baby when you don't already have a child, but I know the pain is real for whoever it happens to. No matter the situation.

I am looking forward to the day to hold that sweet baby.

Until then, Jesus will hold them and He will hold my hand.

Since we miscarried so early on, we were able to try again after a couple months.

After just one month of being able to try we fell pregnant again.

I am now almost 7 months pregnant with a growing, healthy little boy.

Jack Gannon.

We can’t wait to meet you and hold you and kiss you all over.

I am so excited to see all that God does with our children.

I know that if we place them in His hands and we lead them and teach them and show them the right way, they will not depart from it. I believe that strongly.

I want to be a real mom. A real wife. A real friend.

A real Christ follower.

I don’t question the fact that we have a child in Heaven.

I don’t question that Jack is to be here.

I don’t question tomorrow.

I am getting better every day at simply trusting God’s plan and timing.

Sometimes I want something.

And I want it now.

You know what I mean?

Maybe it’s a child for you.

Maybe it’s money to pay the bills.

Maybe it’s patience.

God is the answer to all things.

He’s the answer for your hurt.

He’s the answer for your marriage.

He’s the answer for the void in your life.

He’s the answer for your children.

He’s just the answer.

We maybe went through a trial.

A time that tested our faith.

But we came out stronger individually and as a couple and as a family.

You will come out stronger too!