Take a look behind you

 

I have not written for months. I do not like that at all. I know people need to be reached. And some will be reached by this blog. Even just for one, I'll write. 

I am looking back today, not at a failure, not at a hurt, not at a mistake, not at a painful memory...

No.

I am looking back behind me today at all the Lord has done. 

The devil needs to hear it from me. And I highly suggest you thinking back on all God has done for you too.

When I was 12 my dad got delivered from alcoholism and gambling addiction.

In September that'll be 20 years ago.

As a teenager I made some bozo, hairbrained choices, yet the Lord protected me.

When I was first saved, I had my best friend at the time tell me it would just be a phase. Well, it sure is, it's been the greatest phase of my life and ultimately my eternity.

When me and Grant needed a bill paid, he went to pray about it, came back and there was money in a donut wrapper in his shoe on our porch.

We paid property taxes as newlywed couple and it pretty much liquidated all our funds. Around 6 or 7 hundred dollars. That revival we were at, the Pastor told Danny and Rhonda (his parents who were holding the revival), that he felt the Lord wanted them to take up a special offering to go just to Grant and Hannah. It was a little over what we just paid in taxes.

I had a high risk pregnancy with Jack. Bled nearly the entire time. Went into labor 4 weeks early. Long story short, he is healthy as a horse and almost 7 years old. 

God healed Jack from seizures. He made his body work correctly.

Ray had what the specialist said was very likely a tumor in her hand and after surgery he said he was so glad to say he was wrong, it was just a cyst.

I prayed for God to visit my Uncle Troy in a dream and that very night God gave him a vision of Jesus.

I was able to forgive people who wronged me, perhaps I didn't get a long drawn out, in detail apology, but like the man who owed millions in the bible, that was once me. So, who am I to grab someone else by the neck, demanding they pay back their debt when I've been forgiven so much more?

(Forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate things.)

The Lord gave me a song about forgiveness during thus far, the hardest time in my life. I woke Grant up that next day and let him hear it because he knew how I had been so hurt and he had tears streaming down his face. It's been a while back now, but that song has ministered to me many times and I know the Lord gave that to me. Even just for me alone. 

5 years ago, God delivered me from depression.

This year, God helped me many times with anxiety.

God woke me up two summers ago and spoke to me about my prayer life.

God has spoken to Grant through dreams, as I have prayed many times over his pillow for years.

Ray has a gift of writing at a young age already. She encourages me constantly.

God has made a way for us not just financially, but SPIRITUALLY. He has given us a supernatural peace. When family, friends, foes, you name it, when they didn't fill up our love tanks (and when we can't fill up each others...) God does it for us over and over and over. Day by day. Moment by moment, that love tank stays full if we choose to stay close to the King.

He has given Grant a gift to preach. To speak to complete strangers about their soul. To help people and not want recognition. He really learned that from my dad, and he would say the same.

I look back and see where God protected us when He said, "stay," "go," and "not quite yet."

I see where God placed people in my life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And placed me in others lives the same.

Stop begging for crumbs, whoever you are. Stop begging for approval. My mom told me the other day through text message that trying to get people's approval is a losing battle. That void you're trying to fill by using drugs, having sex outside of marriage, fitting in with the world and keeping a toe or two in the church world, waiting for someone to make something right with you or clear your name or apologize, placing your attention on things of this world... that void will continue to need and try to be filled until you accept Jesus as Savior, allow HIM to be Lord of your life. NOT your reputation. NOT your money. NOT your good (or not so good) looks. LET JESUS be the Lord. Not all the stuff that'll waste away and be a vapor. Your soul lives on. Your clothes, your car, your obsessions with hobbies and social media- it'll fade. 

Take a look back and see that God was there all the time.

Take a look around you and be reminded that He is still working on your behalf even if you can't see much changing. He will go before you. Have child like faith, but WARRIOR like strategy.

Happy Wednesday. My favorite day. The day I was saved.

Not going to try

 The last several months I have been thinking a lot about life. Not only how short it is but also how we truly don’t know the moment when we will draw our last breath. Most people you talk to have some form of a goal or a dream they would like to fulfill within their lifetime. there has been several times in my adult life where I have questioned what mine was. 

It is so easy to take the thing you are best at and simply suspect that that is what God wants you to do with your life. I can’t say that I have many talents to pick from. Writing his probably my most obvious one. But when I think about what God has genuinely called me to do in life, I really do believe that more than writing, more than being a homeschool mom, more than being a confidant to many people, more than being a help meet... I believe what God has asked me to do recently is something so simple. I believe He wants me to love people. Love them when they don’t understand love. When they don’t love themselves. Love them when they don’t love me. I have always had my head in the sand I guess, the past 32 years of my life. I’ve always thought that Christians would get along and be kind to each other. But something I've learned is that can be the farthest thing from reality. How will the world know and believe in the gospel if we don’t have and show love? Some people won’t want the attention, kindness or love, but you can still be refrain from gossiping. You can send them a card. You can send them a just because gift. You can do the greatest act and get on your knees and pray for them. A praying friend is a true one. 

I pray you will ask God what He wants you to do with the word LOVE. I am. 

You've left your first love

 

Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.

Revelation 2:4

I never knew love until one Wednesday night, as I knelt down at an altar in a little yellow brick building in the heart of the country. Across town, 17 years prior, I was born in a hospital there in that town. Not many folk can say they were physically and spiritually born in the same town. I knew love in a way I didn't know existed. How could a sinless man forgive me for the wrongs I'd done? I didn't have to know, I just was thankful He forgave me and I started that day to follow Him, wherever He'd lead me. 

Oh, this path has been tiresome during some seasons over the past 15 years. Yes, this March, 15 will be 15 years since I was born again. Some days I've had anxiety, some days I've wandered when the war would stop, when would peace come? You've been there. You're human, so I know you have. Saved or not. The bible tells us that we wrestle not against PEOPLE, but against principalities, powers, rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. In the short, we are not fighting against Sally as my husband said in his message recently... but we are fighting against Satan! I so wish I would have grasped and fully understood that scripture better over the past handful of years. It would have helped me not take offence so easily over hurtful words and actions of others. That is the devils big trick though, is getting us mad at each other and not at him. My older brother just retired from the military and as I sat through his ceremony, watching each one of those big, tough elite soldiers get up and speak so highly of my brother, I saw how closely bound they were. Closer than family even. They had fought for each others literal lives together. Can you imagine if they were over in war and the enemy they were fighting convinced them that their own fellow friend was their enemy? They'd start pulling their weapons out on each other and we can only imagine how it would all end. This is EXACTLY what Satan is doing to the church today. He has many Christians so offended at their fellow solider, that he doesn't have to do much work in the church to keep the unity out. Do you know you'll never have true worship and peace in your personal life until you can have unity with others? What does that mean? It means letting stuff go even if the other person doesn't change one ounce! 

One thing I am teaching my kids right now, whose ages are nine, six and four, is that people will fail them. Their cousins will fail them. Their aunts and uncles will. Their siblings will. Their grandparents and yes, even me and their Daddy will. My father in law got some good solid counsel from a godly man years ago out in California. That preacher told him, "Danny, you can't do anything about what other people say or do, but you can do something about what you say or do." I've heard him reference to that statement more than once, again just the other day as he reminded me of it. It doesn't take you reading book after book, blog after blog, listening sermon after sermon to find out that you can't control other people. Now, when you get saved, your WILL is laid down to GOD and you give HIM control. It says a lot about a persons spiritual maturity and how much they want to please the Lord by how they are willing to lay down their fleshly desires and allowing God to work in a situation instead of that person trying to manipulate and control it. 

We want so badly for things to improve in our life often, relationships restored, apologies to come, children to come back home, our wife to respect/husband to love, the job to work out, the pay raise and insurance to come through, the worship team to allow us a good amount of stage time... what is the real meaning of BETTER to you? It's something I ask myself lately. What are the motives of our hearts? Is it to see others saved?? Then make amends with that Christian you've had problems with and stop letting precious time pass. One of you could DIE before you have a chance to do so and you'll live to regret it! LOST PEOPLE WON'T TAKE YOU OR THE CHURCH OF GOD ONE OUNCE SERIOUS IF THEY SEE ALL THE CHRISTIANS FIGHTING AGAINST EACH OTHER. This is the devils PLAN. And He's succeeding in so many people's lives. Getting that job maybe would be better for you financially, but what if there is a boss there who is flirting with you and leads you away from your husband? Are you going to force the job then? What if the hours aren't flexible and you slowly have to give up church time. Goin' to church don't make you saved, but I DO believe if you're saved you'll WANT to go to church. Covid stinks so bad. People have many reasons to not come right now. But, you can always find churches online to get fed from and you can find ways to bless others. I have had a card ministry since shortly after I got saved and that is one thing I highly encourage every Christian to do. Man or woman. Girl or boy. Write someone an encouraging card. Snail mail does wanders. I used to work 10-11 hour days with no break for a couple years in early marriage, I now have three kids who I homeschool... and not once have I said I'm too busy to write a card to someone. It doesn't take much time or money! There is no excuse to not reach out to others. Often times we sit around pouting that others aren't reaching out to us, but when is the last time we reached out to someone else outside of a text message or Facebook comment??

When my brother in law Garrett, met Brooke, his now wife.. I knew he had fallen! He was like that cartoon character who had the big googly heart eyes! Since they weren't to be alone, he asked me to drive down to pick her up in Arkansas that first year they were dating. As we drove north back to Kansas, I vividly can remember how he made his seat go back as far as it would and the front seat was pretty much in her lap. They held hands that entire three and a half hours I'm pretty certain. 

They were in LOVE. 

When we love someone we want to be with them, we miss them when they are gone and we want to make sure they know we are faithful and true to them. I love Grant. More than any other human. I love my kids. I'd run in front of a truck to save them. I love my siblings. I'd fly across the country for them if they needed me to. I love my parents and in-laws with all my heart. I pray Jesus comes back before I ever have to see any of them leave this earth. God has blessed me with some people whom have proven true godly friends do exist. But, take away all those favorite people of mine and would I be okay? Yes. Both my Grannies and my best buddy, Aunt Kay, went to heaven in the past few years. Three women who some days I wish so bad I could pick up the phone and call them just to hear their voice and them say my name. Thankfully, I saved lots of voicemails... Granny Gaston always said my name so slow and sweet. Granny Stegeman always laughed at some point and would end her messages with saying she loved me. Aunt Kay, who was guilty of keeping my voice mailbox full... would tell me where she was and tell me the exact date, and time, down to the minute... on her message and usually end it with, "I love you, baby." They were some of my very favorite people and I don't have them here anymore, but you know what? I won't have this physical body for much longer either! And neither will you. That is why I'm okay. I know my time on earth isn't long and that our lives are just a tiny drop of time in the universe.

God, help us to return to our first love.

YOU.

He is coming for a clean and pure bride. Not by what we say or do, but by our faith in Jesus and what He did for us on that Cross. Even if stuff doesn't pan out just how you imagined in life, God is STILL completely in control. Even if people walk out and don't ever come back... He will be your mother, father, friend... He will fill whatever void is in your life. We leave our first love when we compromise and justify. Alcohol is still sin, even if the modern church wants to say it's okay in moderation. Gossip is still wrong even if your prayer group uses prayer request as a way to talk about others.

We leave our first Love when we don't offer forgiveness to others. We leave our first Love when we begin to focus on this world and the things of it. Money, cars, houses and land. It'll all pass away. Look at some of the most beautiful, handsome and/or rich people in our recent past. Many celebrities come to my mind as we watched their marriages fail across the tabloids or heard of their suicide on the nightly news. Their looks, fame and fortune never satisfied. It won't ever satisfy you either. Getting ahead in life will only lead to you wanting to get ahead a little more! God help us Christians to be like Jesus and his followers back in His day... be willing to forsake all to follow Him. Be willing to not have a bunch of "stuff" in order to fulfill his will. Jesus likely didn't have the coolest most hip sandals and a name brand backpack. Seriously people, we live such shallow lives when we just look at some of the things that consume our lives and pocket books.

We leave our first Love when we choose pride over meekness. 

Ponder on that in your personal life... where are you prideful where you should be meek?

We leave our first Love when we choose to get even instead of return evil with good.

We leave our first Love when we choose to stay in bondage to other peoples so called demons. If someone in your life is making you miserable, on purpose, you don't have to allow their issues to become yours. Often times those types of people need a hug, but sadly, I've found, usually they are too proud to take that hug. So, just be patient. I know it's hard, but God will give you grace and wisdom.

We leave our first Love when we neglect praying with our spouse and children. I looked at my kids sleeping last night and I was reminded of how this time will soon pass. Ray will be 10 soon and I'll blink and she'll be off married. She wants to be a doctor. I tell her to do what God tells her to do. She is not interested in boys and makeup like lots of girls her age. She still loves playing with her doll and reading little house on the prairie books. I love her innocence. Jack is our miracle in more ways than one and He has the most tender little heart. He brings in wood for the fire, he helps wash the dishes several times a week, and he will randomly run up to me while we are home and just hug me for a long time. Arrow is not only strong mentally but also physically. I've never seen a four year old with actual cut muscles on their legs, arms and stomach. You may see her on the Olympics one day! She walks around the house in big fancy dresses singing, "I'll fly away" and "Way Maker," and she has no idea what she is saying when she says it, but she prays for her daddy to be anointed when he preaches. She is her own person and I love how she wants to give me a million kisses each day. What a job I have as their mother. It all starts and ends with prayer though, or I won't make it and neither will they. No matter how smart, attractive or funny they are, they won't make it in life if they don't have Jesus.

I always say, I don't write to make money...I've never made a dime. I don't write for your applause, sometimes not more than a person or two will acknowledge my writing. I don't write for any other reason than the simple fact that God called me to do this and honestly... about half people who read this are out of the country... so, I sure pray maybe something you read on here will plant the seed for your salvation, your deliverance or simply encourage you to keep fighting the good fight. 

Get in His Word. It'll calm your anxiety. Trust me. 

Talk to God. He will be your Guide, Savior, Friend and Lord.

Return to your first Love today. 

Receiving God's love is priceless compared to those roses that will fade and the chocolates that will give you a headache. :)