The first birthday that never was

Although our little baby went to Heaven after he/she had been in my womb for a mere six weeks, I still was able to form a love and connection with that child. I never got to hear their heartbeat, but it had been beating for a few weeks at that point. I never got to feel that first kick. I never got to kiss them on the cheek and tell them "welcome to the world, little baby," as I did my other two children.

Just a couple weeks I sat in church surrounded by three other pregnant ladies who all discussed their future plans. I was happy for them, but still sad for me. Sure, I had Ray, my two year old, but I don't think that the statement is true when people say, "at least you have one healthy baby here with you." Or, "at least you have Raylea."

A baby is a person, just like you. In or outside of the womb.

I had someone tell me it was my bodies way of "flushing itself out." Yeah, that could be put in the book called, "The dumbest things to say to a person who suffered a miscarriage."

What's amazing is even though I was confused being that we had wanted our second child for 13 months at that point, and for something so innocent and perfect as a baby to be taken from me in an single day, I still had peace.

Those who know me at all, know that it wasn't but a few months after that we announced our following pregnancy, little Jack Gannon, who is now 10 months old.

Here soon I am going to write a post on all the miracles God has performed in his little life.

I told someone yesterday I can't imagine not having Jack. If our baby who went to Heaven at 6 weeks in the womb would have been here, Jack wouldn't. Now, that's a very sad thought. I know why I had peace during that personal trial, and it was because God had a plan. A better one than me.

If August Shalom would have stayed here, he/she would have been one year old today.

Today is their first birthday that never was.

I think it's pretty awesome though that that baby is in Heaven. I will get to meet my baby for the first time in Heaven. Instead of a doctor or Grant handing me my baby, it will be Jesus. That is a moment I have to look forward to.

There are many birthdays of people that never were. The man who died of cancer at 36 never had a 37th birthday. The woman killed in a car wreck at 54 never saw her 55th.

In Heaven though... everything will be made perfect. We have a definition of perfect. But, how we define paradise isn't close to how awesome it really is.

I don't know what birthday I won't get to see.

It may be my 90th. It may be my 30th. It may be that I am raptured out of here tomorrow and I won't see my 27th. I am game for that! :) I am so excited to go home.

Sir. Ma'am. Kid. Child. Teen. Grandma. Grandpa. Baby.

You have no idea when you will celebrate your last birthday. I would love to tell you to go live out all of your dreams. Travel the world. Go skydiving. Get married. Live by the ocean.

That's all fine and dandy. But I am warning you to prepare for eternity.

You don't know when you'll step into it.

God gives us a FREE WILL to make the choice of whether or not we want to accept Him and live for Him. He won't force you. Neither will I. But I will continue to beg you to make the right choice sooner, rather than later.

The devil is a liar. You are loved, wanted and needed. That's a lie he played on me for a long time. Even after I was saved. He told me I had to win others over. I had every reason to be insecure. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't tall enough. I wasn't smart enough. I was funny enough. I wasn't whatever enough.

I can tell you this though, I may not be perfect and I sure never will be until I step over into Glory, but I know the devil wants nothing more than to defeat me in life because he knows he is losing in the end and he wants to take as many down with him as possible. He isn't going to play fair. He isn't going to say, "no blood, no foul." He wants blood. He wants just that actually. He wants me and you to die physically and mostly spiritually.

Speak this with me right now.

(I speak this out loud as I am typing this.)

Satan. Listen up.

You are a loser.

You used to make me feel condemnation over any of my past.

You have made me lie before.

You have caused me to feel jealousy, hatred and wrong feelings towards others before.

You have caused me to believe I am ugly.

You have made me believe I am worthless and I would be better off dead.

You have made me feel like I have no purpose.

You have made me feel like nobody likes me. Or even loves me.

You have tried hard to bring me down. And at times, I felt pretty low.

But, Satan, you have lost.

You have lost me.

You have lost my soul. My eternity. My family. My dreams and future.

Jesus Christ is the Lord of my life and their is NO condemnation found in Him.

His love is perfect and cast out all fear and evil, which is what you are.

I rebuke you in the name of Jesus.

You must flee from me because I have the power through the name of Jesus to demand that.

So, leave.

Run, actually.

I plan on stealing many souls you think you have gained and winning them over to God's Kingdom.

YOU HAVE ZERO CONTROL OVER ME.

___________________________________________

You don't know your last day. So, make it right with God before it's forever too late.



My final prayer

 

 

 

 

I received a text the other day from my sister that had a link to a blog in it. It was from a mothers point of view. She was talking about how there will come a day when it will be the last time you wash your daughters hair, or tuck them in bed, or read them a story on your lap. Ya, pretty much made me sad, but it was an excellent reminder that we need to take in every day and moment with our kids, no matter how crazy the days are.

 

 

The next day my friend Rachel sent me the same blog and I told her my sister had sent it to me and I was writing a blog on an idea I got from the blog my sis and her had sent me.

 

 

 

 

So... here goes my thought.

 

 

 

I won't keep you terribly long today as I have a little man who is a professional crawler now (very fast at it, I might add!) and I truly have to keep my eye on him every second.

 

 

Raylea Jo, my almost four year old, is on a trip having revival in Oklahoma with my husbands parents. Who knows... this could be the weekend she gets saved! Not kidding!

 

 

I pray for a young salvation for my children and my nieces and nephews and so should you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If the Lord terries...

 

 

There will come a day when I will not have to help put the toothpaste on Raylea's toothbrush.

 

There will come a day when I will not need to change Jack's diaper.

 

There will come a day when I won't get to carry all of Grant, Raylea and Jack's dirty clothes across the house from the hamper to our laundry room to wash, dry, iron and put away.

 

(I just recently started ironing by the way... I'm getting better!)

 

 

One morning, if she goes to Heaven before I do, I will wake up and not have a missed phone call from my Aunt Kay, as I do everyday... who's a best friend to me. She is actually Grant's blood aunt, but since him and I are "One flesh," that means she is mine as well!

 

 

One day I won't get to pick up Raylea and carry her out of her carseat to her bed as she hugs onto my neck.

 

 

There will be a day when Grant may not be strong enough to lift anything I need him to, in or outside the house. He will be older and weaker one day.

 

 

One day Jack will know all of these words and colors and names I try teaching him every day.

 

 

One day I will sit here and type up a blog to post and not have kids and even a dog to be jumping on me.... I think that is one of the saddest thoughts I have had yet...

 

 

One day I won't be able to just drive over to my mom and dad's house and sit and talk.

 

 

One day I won't get a package in the mail from my Granny, sending my kids toys from the one little store they have there in Melbourne, Arkansas.

 

 

One day I will set up a Christmas tree, all by myself with Grant watching me, likely smiling, as our kids are grown up and at their own homes decorating with our grandkids.

 

 

One day Raylea will be all grown up and it won't be quite as a big of a deal for her Papa Danny to take her to Casey's for a donut and biscuits and gravy every morning. Who knows though, that will probably be something they do together the rest of their lives!

 

 

One day I won't have brown roots to cover up with highlights, but I will have grey.

 

 

There will come a day when we won't be able to ride on the kiddy rides with Raylea at the fair anymore.

 

 

All of those last time moments seem pretty sad, don't they?

 

 

Well, I will tell you of one, which will make your heart want to explode with happiness!

 

 

 

One day,

 

it will be the last time you will ever pray for God's direction.

 

 

the last time you will pray for your Dad to be saved.

 

 

the last time you pray for your older brother to commit his whole life to God and be safe while fighting in war.

 

 

the last time you pray for your Dad who sits in a jail cell, alone every single night.

 

 

the last time you pray for a child of your own.

 

 

the last time you pray for God to remove the insecurities you have carried inside of you since you were a child.

 

 

the last time you ask God to deliver you from a habit which has kept you bound.

 

 

the last time you pray and beg God for His will to unfold in your life.

 

 

the last time you ask God to remove the thoughts of your past from your memory which seem to haunt you no matter how much you read and pray.

 

 

the last time you pray for finances to come through. Which is the same prayer you pray each month when the bills are due and you want so badly to tithe and not do it begrudgingly.

 

 

the last time you ask God for wisdom.

 

 

the last time you ask God for anointing from Heaven to fall on you before you preach.

 

 

the last time you pray for your sister to be faithful to the house of God.

 

 

the last time you pray for your Aunt who is an alcoholic and used to be a pastor's wife.

 

 

the last time you pray for your daughter's salvation.

 

 

the last time you pray protection over your children.

 

 

the last time you pray and ask God to send you the right mate.

 

There was a last time I prayed for a mate. I was on a fast and I asked God to show me if Grant was the man I was to marry one day, and He clearly showed me he was.

 

 

the last time you ask God to heal your marriage.

 

 

the last time you ask God for forgiveness.

 

 

 

 Perhaps it will be the last time you pray a certain prayer because God will answer you here and now.

 

 

But, there will come a time when we won't have to or need to pray at all.

 

 

 

If you have asked Jesus into your heart, made him LORD of your life in every area, and you're allowing Him to transform you on a daily basis into the man or woman of God he intends you to be... one day when you die, you will go to Heaven.

 

 

 

We will bow, lay and worship at His feet, I believe whole heartedly.

 

 

God is so big, we can't quite imagine seeing Him or being in His presence.

 

 

God can be so small though, He can fit into my heart.

 

 

Many people want to see and touch something to know it's real.

 

 

When testing out a car, we want to test drive it.

 

 

When eating at new restaurant, we want to eat something popular on their menu.

 

 

When we hold cash in our hands, we hold it up to the light to make sure it isn't counterfeit.

 

 

 

Someone asked me 8 years ago how I knew that God was real.

 

They genuinely wanted to know.

 

 

 

 

I told them I couldn't see Him with my own eyes. I can't touch Him. I am not smart enough to even know where to take them to show them all the places that have been found, which line up exactly with what the Bible says.

 

 

I told them though, I knew God was real because I could feel Him.

 

 

 

 

 

I told them I knew He was real because I was very hard headed and stubborn in my ways as a teen and when I got saved on March 15th, 2006, every single desire I had changed. It felt out of character to me to be rude to someone. It felt out of character to me to be around someone who was cussing and telling dirty jokes. It wasn't natural for me to want to be popular and to fit in as I did all through school. I used to bend over backwards for people trying to win their friendship so I would be accepted by them and ultimately everyone in my school. Whether they were the biggest nerd with the thickest glasses, or the biggest jock, or the outcast who nobody could get to talk, I made friends with them. Not that that was a bad quality, but I felt a need to be wanted and accepted by people much more than God. I liked being liked. I liked people telling me I would be homecoming queen my senior year. I liked the fact that the most popular guys and girls in school wanted to be around me. I liked the fact that I made everyone laugh. I liked the fact that I was popular and didn't sleep around like a good portion of the girls in my school did. (My mom believed that if she didn't talk to me about sex, I wouldn't know what it was, therefore I wouldn't want to do it!) Well, I will definitely say she was right on that! I was just about the biggest prude in school. One "boyfriend" (I never even held hands with the guy!) straight up asked me when I was going to "put out." I said "when I get married I will do that." And he took off in his truck and that was the last day he was my "boyfriend."

 

 

When I became a Christian at 17 years old, I was still in High School, but I soon realized God showed much mercy on me for allowing me to not lose my virginity before I was to get married. I am not embarrassed, but I am proud to say that Grant and I both had sex for the first time on our wedding night. We were each others first! That is something that is rare and special and young kids need to know that God intended it to be that way. Sure, you can mess up and God will forgive. But there are consequences to sin and I believe the devil will try to use your past against you until you put your foot down and tell him THE PAST IS THE PAST. So, do that if you haven't already! Jesus didn't die on the Cross for virgins and people who got saved at 5 years old. He died for the drunk, the girl who gave herself away at 12 years old, the child abuser.... all the same. He died to cover it all.

 

I told you a little bit of my background because this is what I explained to that person asked about God's existence. He is real! He is real because He changed me totally. I have peace which I didn't before. Everyone tries to find peace... Drinking, having a sexy body, doing drugs, cheating on your spouse, having an abortion or even buying new clothes isn't going to answer your problem, friend. Only Jesus. Only Jesus.

 

 

ONLY JESUS.

 

 

 

My point of this post is to let you know...

 

 

there will be a last time you pray. Whether it's a prayer of thanksgiving for all He is and has done, or if it's a prayer of needing Him to come through for you somehow.

 

 

 

 

 

Hold fast, child.

 

 

It's almost done.

 

 

Fight this fight with everything in you.

 

 

You are a conqueror through JESUS CHRIST.

 

 

Pray and live today knowing you won't always have these circumstances. Whether they are good or bad ones. Enjoy today.

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for reading what I have to say. I know there are much bigger names and better writers out there, but I know God has given me a gift to write and I don't have to be "the best" or "most popular," because I know I am making Him happy. Have a wonderful and GOD filled day.