I fought depression... God won.

 

 

 

 

Have you ever felt alone?

 

Not so much physically-- but mentally, spiritually, emotionally..

 

 

When days pass, and that feeling doesn't leave you, you eventually will feel a way you didn't now existed.

 

 

 

Whether you're depressed or not, you know of someone who is, or has been.

 

 

 

I would like to share with you a very intimate testimony of mine.

 

 

 

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Hi, my name is Hannah.

 

 

I imagine most of you reading this already know that, but incase it's someone who is new here, "hello, and thanks for taking time out of your day to read what I have to say."

 

 

 

 

 

I am married to a man of God.

 

He is also a preacher, but that doesn't make someone godly.

 

It also doesn't make him a Christian to preach... confused yet? Well, to be a Christian is to be a Christ-follower. Grant IS a Christ-follower. I can't believe I get to be married to him. I truly am the one who "married up."

 

 

 

We have three gorgeous children, who I think are the greatest little people ever, even on their worst days.

 

 

 

 

We have a beautiful home that I love to be at, at least five days a week... :)

 

 

I am able to stay home and raise my children and I started homeschooling our oldest, who is five, this last fall.

Grant got to teach her entire lesson today for the first time. He does a way better job then me, in my opinion!

 

 

I have good friends, a few I can call my "best", and I feel loved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 But, there is this guy... he goes by "Satan."

Ever heard of him?

 

 

He jumped on my back roughly six months ago.

 

 

 

I have struggled writing about this the past few weeks because for one, I don't have a ton of "extra" time with three littles to care for, a house to clean, meals to make and a life to live. But, I have managed to make time here and there over the course of a few days because I feel this needs to be told.

 

 

 

 

 

I honestly have no clue what started it all. It was some time in August though. I do remember that detail. I felt lots of different things and hardly any of it was positive. I felt insecure, which I felt total freedom from months before, but when you voice a weakness I believe Satan will try even harder to fight you there. So, once he learned I felt I wasn't a good enough mom, wife, friend, Christian... and any other hat I wear... he knew what kind of defense to play against me. And boy, did he play hard.

 

 

 

I began questioning if my friends really cared for me. I wandered if I was really making a difference by writing on "this stupid blog" (as the devil put it..) and I began to wander if God was hearing my prayers and if I was needed by Him. I never once turned my back on God. I never once questioned my call as a wife and mom. I never once did. But, I did question why I was feeling so down.

 

 

The days went by and it never got better. It got worse. I was scared to ask even Grant to pray for me because I thought I could just pray about it myself.

 

 

 

Weeks passed.

 

 

I found myself getting short with my kids and Grant.

 

 

More weeks passed.

 

 

I found myself feeling alone even in a crowd of people who loved me.

 

 

A few months passed.

 

 

I learned to put on a fake happy smile and fool people into believing I was "great" when they asked how I was.

 

 

Besides- I am one of the preachers' wives at our church and I have to have it all together. (Another lie from the devil.)

 

 

Our precious baby girl, Arrow Brielle was born November 11th, 2016. I found myself distracted by her and I felt a sense of happiness for a few weeks. Then exhaustion hit me, I wasn't able to pray because I wasn't taking the time to really talk to God. I officially put Him on the "back burner" of life. And I wandered why I felt that way for so long...

 

 

 

Christmas came and I found myself going though the motions. Dreading to see family and groups of people because inside I was crying and wanting to sleep and sleep and sleep with nobody to give a smile to. I felt very alone and confused at this point.

 

 

The new year came and we started eating much more healthy and I've been working out a few times a week. Still, even though physically I was helping my body, I still felt "ick." I felt frustrated for feeling this way for so long.

 

 

I began to ask Grant and couple others to pray for me when they could. I was in denial of the truth. The truth that depression was all over me. I looked it, I felt it, I couldn't escape it.

 

 

 

Saturday, January 14th, 2017 was my little niece's, Zoe, first birthday party.

 

 

I didn't want to go. I tried to make my make up look as nice as possible, I even tried to fix my hair differently. I wanted to mask how I felt inside so badly.

 

I was miserable at the party. I sat there wandering when I could leave without it being "too early" or obvious. I found myself so far from happiness, at my very own nieces birthday party.

 

 

 

I stayed to take some pictures of her open her gifts and eat her cake and once some people started to leave I rushed home myself. I changed my clothes, sat on the couch and cried.

 

 

I text our family who lived here on the land to please pray for me at 6 o'clock.

 

 

I text a couple friends and my parents and asked them the same.

 

 

 

 

 

That was a rather big step for me, because I had to admit to others that I needed prayer and that I was not okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

At 6, my brother in law, his wife, my mother and father in law and Grant all came to me and anointed me. I cried as I explained how I felt and I for once, didn't care what anyone thought of me. I was truly desperate.

 

 

 

 

As they began to pray I felt that frustration hover over me. I almost could hear Satan saying to me, "you'll have them pray over you, but you'll keep feeling this way." If it wasn't him who said it, it was me who thought it. Either way. I was very doubtful of anything changing.

 

 

 

 

I mumbled some words, trying to listen to everyone praying but I couldn't even concentrate. I hadn't been able to concentrate much for a long time at that point. Someone prayed something along the lines of God healing me from the top of my head to the souls of my feet. Seconds later, I felt an extremely warm sensation come inside of my chest and shoulders, it started moving down my body until it went past my thighs and my calves and then it was gone.

 

 

 

 

I said... IT WAS GONE.

 

 

 

 

I had no idea what had happened but I started thanking God for my healing.

 

 

 

 

A couple days passed and I was driving down the road. It dawned on me that I did not have that heaviness sitting on my shoulders and BODY anymore. I teared up and was so thankful for God's peace.

 

 

 

 

God healed me.

 

 

 

 

 

I finally came to a place where I admitted what was wrong, I admitted I was weak and HE was strong, and I let HIM take control over the situation instead of trying to do it all myself.

 

 

 

I know so many people who are unhappy today. Christian or not, depression can come on you. It is an attack directly from Satan himself is what I learned.

 

 

Now that I am free and it is gone, I look at what I can do differently.

 

 

For starters, I can be more transparent with my family and friends. If I need prayer, I can ask for it. I wasn't made to live life alone.

 

 

Secondly, I have monitored my conversations more. If someone says something negative, I try my best to encourage them to see their problem in a different light.

 

 

 

 

 I have been trying to show Raylea and Jack what it is to be content. This day and age- with all the social media and commercials on tv, it can be hard to not compare what you do or don't have to those around you. I have mentioned it a few times, but a large part of the reason I deleted my social media accounts nearly three years ago, was because I felt I had to search for the positive. I had to search for ways it helped me in my Christian walk. Every time I saw a flawless "selfie" I felt ugly when I never felt that way! When I saw someone post a picture of their new car, their clean living room, or their perfectly posed toddler, I questioned my own happiness. I wanted something "neat" to post. I wanted lots of "friends" to follow me. I wanted stuff I would have only cared about 15 years ago, as a tween. But instead, I found my 25 year old self, comparing my VERY good life to others and being, well, not content with it.

Not everyone is effected negatively by social media, but that is one of about 5 reasons why I deleted all of mine.

 

 

 

 

God wants us to be content. I felt Instagram and Twitter didn't help me out in that area.

 

God wants us to be meek. I didn't feel very meek when posting a picture of my clean car I had just washed, when I am sure there were people on there who didn't even have a car that ran.

 

 

You may say I am old fashioned... one of my closest friends once told me I was "an old soul."

 

 

I never have forgot that. Because it's very, very true.

 

 

I wish so bad we could make it in life without cell phones, honestly.

 

 

That was all a side note--- by the way! :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lastly, but most importantly, I have realized that when I feel I am not making a difference, whether that be in my own children, or for my husband, or by writing a little blog post that maybe a couple hundred people max might read, I truly NOW KNOW, that I am most definitely making a difference and that the devil wants me to believe other wise to make me feel down.

 

 

 

I shared my testimony of God healing me last Sunday at church and it has amazed me the amount of people who have opened up and confided in me because they either have felt the same, or are feeling the same.

 

 

 

 

When your pride is gone, unity takes place.

 

 

When there is unity, there can be healing.

 

 

When there is healing, then comes WORSHIP.

 

 

 

 

That is what happened to me, in that order, on Saturday, January 14th, 2017.

 

 

 

You're not alone.

 

 

You DO matter.

 

 

God DOES have plans for your life.

 

 

You and your spouse WILL work it out and come out stronger.

 

 

 

The higher the mountain you have to climb, the better the view.

 

 

 

Reach out to a Christian today if you are struggling with feeling anxious, depressed, or just not as close to God as you one time were.

 

 

Remember... when your pride is gone... that is when healing can come.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your time and for all the love I have felt recently.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I looked back at some pictures I was in that were taken prior to 1-14-2017, and it was so crazy how you could see the sadness in my eyes. I am SO happy that when I saw this picture that I took today of me and my baby girl, that I could visually SEE happiness in my eyes.

 

 

So, here is my REAL happy face. NOT a "fake" happy one!

 

 

THANK YOU, LORD.