I sure miss you

 

 

 

Have you ever had someone come into your life who changed it?

 

 

 

Really, changed it.

 

 

 

Aunt Kay did that for me.

 

 

Back in 2007 when I married my husband, I had been around Aunt Kay several times, since she is my husband's dad's sister, she isn't blood related. How many knows that blood is thicker than water, but in this case, Aunt Kay was thicker than a lot of blood.

 

 

I became close to her mom, and when she died on May 1st, 2009, I didn't know who I would have as my little buddy to spend time with anymore. That next year, Aunt Kay and I began talking often. We formed a tight friendship within a year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She made my life happy.

 

 

Anyone who met Kay, knew she would talk your head off. We went on several little getaway trips together, and I would get so tickled at some of the questions she would ask people. Once we were at a fancy department store and a lady was trying some shoes and talking to her friend about what they were going to wear to the Derby. Of course, that was just enough information to get Aunt Kay's brain going with curiosity. "Do you mean the Kentucky Derby?!?!" Aunt Kay gawked! She asked a stream of questions to that private, preppy lady that day, including asking how much money her husband made. There was never a question off limit for her. That lady giggled and wasn't too offended.

 

(She always asked what you really wanted to know!)

 

 

 

She always wanted coffee. I can't tell ya how many cups of coffee, sandwiches and little simple meals I made for her while she sat in my house. She loved to be taken care of, and I loved taking care.

 

 

 

She was a diabetic. I have one story in particular only me and a close friend know the details to, and I will take that story to the grave with me! Let's just say, I am NOT meant to be a nurse.

 

 

 

Well, once she was at my house and her sugar was extremely low. I believe it was in the thirties. I hurriedly made a cup of chocolate milk and stirred in a ton of sugar because we never have pop or orange juice. I handed it to her and helped her drink it. I would say, "Aunt Kay, drink this." And she would take a sip, and look up at me. I would then say "drink this!" and she would ask, "drink what?!" and this went on for several minutes!

 

 

 

We were staying in a camper August 2017 in a church parking lot in Arkansas. Just me, her, and my three kids. Me and her slept on the queen bed. Raylea and Jack on the couch and Arrow was in a pack n play. Well, Aunt Kay didn't bring her sleep machine and she was snoring. Rather loud. I am a "sleep snob" and I can't sleep if someone is snoring. So, I went to the back of the camper and cleared off a bunk... but it was kind of uncomfortable. And yes, I have to have a comfortable mattress. I told you, I am a sleep snob! So, I go back to the bed with Aunt Kay.

 I start to notice a pattern. She doesn't breath for like 10 seconds! Then... this MONSTEROUS snore comes out as the bed rumbles.

I am terrified she is going to stop breathing or something and then that snore would erupt. Well, after HOURS of this, I was laying there, just staring at her. I couldn't believe she could sleep through her own snores! Then, out of the clear blue, well, the clear dark in this case, her eyes shot open and she stares perfectly at me! It freaked me out so bad, that I hurried and closed my eyes and acted like I was asleep. That next morning I told her all about what I went through, and she laughed and laughed.

 

 

 

She always loved recalling those stories.

 

 

 

 

Those were a few funny ones at the top of my head.

 

Even though I could nearly write a book of all the hilarious moments I had with her, which, one day, when I do write a book, I know her name will be in there.

 

 

 

If Jack would have been a girl, her name would have been Adaline Kay, after Aunt Kay. I can't imagine not having Jack Gannon though! (He is seriously the sweetest little boy you'd ever meet.)

 

 

 

Aunt Kay loved my kids so much. She always tried to come to their parties and always gave them lots of hugs and kisses. She always loved hearing about the comical things they had done or said. She always encouraged me to be a more godly wife and mom. She always said she was proud of me. She wrote me a card, two years ago. I have it in my curio cabinet in my bedroom, now next to the rose off of her casket. In the card she said "you have brought so much happiness to my life." I truly can't say how I did that. But, I do know we just enjoyed each other's presence. Maybe that is what she meant. At the end of the card she said she was sending the money for Arrow's outfit to wear coming home from the hospital. She always did stuff like that. Stuff that not many other's would think of doing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She stayed.

 

 

When I think of some of the hardest times I have went through in my adult life, Aunt Kay was there. It's easy to be there for someone when it's their happy days, when they are on a mountain top in life, or when it's an easy season.

 

But, you can tell who your true friends are by simply looking back at your darkest moments, and remembering who was by your side. Who stayed.

 

 

 

 

We wanted a second baby, bad. We tried for 13 months. Finally, December 2013, we were expecting. Sometime after the sixth week though, my body had a miscarriage. August Shalom is what we decided to name that sweet baby. That next week I sat in church as my husband told what had happened to our church family. I was sitting between Aunt Kay and her husband, Dr. D. and they each were holding onto one of my hands as I sat there staring forward with tears streaming down my face. She stayed.

 

 

 

 

I went through depression fall 2016 through January 2017. Dr. D passed away in November 2016, so I tried hard to stay strong for Aunt Kay. I never once told her I was depressed. That I didn't want to live life anymore. That I felt worthless. I never told her all the lies the devil had yelled at me and I was believing them. But, the night I was delivered, I was able to call and tell her on the phone. She was so sad that I hadn't told her. She said, "Oh, baby, I wish you would have told me so I could have been praying for you! I would have been there for you!" She said that over and over that whole next week or two. I just was trying to protect her, as she already had so much on her plate.

 

 

 

Our life took a turn when God had my husband step away from his full time job last year. It was the hardest thing we ever had to do. It was tough some days. Okay, a lot of days. Kay didn't stop talking to me because things were hard in my life. No... She checked on me more than ever. She prayed for me. She lifted me up. She gave me godly advice. She made me laugh on days I felt like crying... or had been crying. She was a diamond in the middle of a great big mud puddle I felt myself in last year. She helped me through. She loved me through. When life didn't make sense and circumstances didn't feel comfortable... just the sound of her voice on the other end of the phone would suddenly make those dark clouds go away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I sure do miss her. I can't tell you how many days I have thought, "if I only had Aunt Kay to talk to right now, everything would be okay."

 

That's just what she did. She made everything seem okay.

 

 

 

Yes, the Lord is my Strength. He is my Stronghold. He is my Protector. He is my Joy.

Aunt Kay loved the Lord though. So, we had a common ground to stand on. We had the same values and we had the same final destination. She went a little sooner to that home than I wanted her to, but I know if she had the choice, she would not come back here.

 

 

 

She had to go.

 

 

 

March 9th, 2018. I felt I needed to go see my buddy that morning. So, me, Raylea, Aunt Betty and our close friend Brenda, ate breakfast and headed to go see her.

 

I will never forget those last hours I was with her. I straightened her jewelry on her hands and I held on to her hand and rubbed it gently and stared into her blue eyes. I told her I loved her so much. Raylea said some things to her and we just sat with her. She slept a lot. I knew it wouldn't be long.

I FaceTimed Danny, since he was in Missouri. She said "Hi, baby!" and kept leaning in trying to kiss the phone. Aunt Betty was with her that entire day and she said those were the only words she spoke. She sure loved her little brother..

 

 

Later that night, Grant went up to sit with her for several hours. Once it got late, he came home, but shortly after he crawled in bed, his cousin called and told him what we dreaded, yet expected, to hear. Aunt Kay was in Heaven. March 10th, 2018. So far, the saddest day of my life.

 

 

I can't remember everything about her funeral. I felt like it was an out of body experience. Not real. Her service was beautiful and joyful though. I had a hard time laughing, even though I knew she was perfectly whole and she had made it home! I was missing my friend. I was needing her love. But, that cold body in that beautiful pink casket wasn't moving.

 

 

Grant and his brothers sang "there ain't no grave" at the graveside. It was so special. The Lord came down on Grant as he spoke. God was there with us, even in the pain.

 

 

 

 

We know where she is.

 

 

 

Days passed and my phone wasn't ringing three or four times a day like it had for the past eight years. I listened to the countless voicemails I had on my phone that she had left me. Raylea was bothered nearly as bad as I was. Aunt Kay was like a grandparent to her. Raylea spent several nights crying as she went to sleep, saying she missed Aunt Kay. Then, one day, Raylea came up to me so calm and peaceful. She said, "Mama. I had a dream." I said, "you did? About what?"

 

"About Aunt Kay. She was in Heaven sitting on a little chair next to Jesus as he sat in his big king chair and she was talking to him. Jack and Nadine were next to her! Then, Uncle Darrel came up to Aunt Kay and hugged and kissed her!"

 

 

 

 

 

Jack and Nadine were Kay's parents. Raylea never met them, but we have pictures of them on the fridge and wall in our house and she's heard all about them.

 

I don't recall Raylea ever crying again about missing Aunt Kay. The Lord gave her that dream. She needed that dream.

 

 

 

 

Well, I know this is much different than any other post I have written.

 

I never wanted to write this one.

 

I wanted to have Aunt Kay in my life until I died.

 

 

 

But, one thing I have learned is that life doesn't usually go as we plan, or as we want.

 

 

Nearly six months ago, I lost one my truest friends. One that will never be replaced.

 

 

I will love deeper than ever before though, because I have seen how quickly those we hold closest to our hearts can be stripped away within a single breath.

 

 

 

Love those around you. Don't hold grudges. Call your grandma and tell her you love her. Text your sibling. Message your friend. Maybe it has been months or even years since you've spoken. That ends today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here's some lyrics that I sing often when I am missing Aunt Kay.

 

 

I SURE MISS YOU
    
      If life could only bring again, the days I took for granted when
To hear your voice was just a call away
Oh what I'd give for just some time, to say the things that slipped my mind
There's so much now I'd really like to say
But I can never go back when we did the things we did back then
I'll store those precious memories in my mind
I'll take what you've instilled in me; I'll try to be all I can be
And walk the path that you have left behind

    
      I sure miss you; life will never be the same with you not here
Each passing day has brought much pain
But with God's grace my strength remains
I sure miss you, but heaven's sweeter with you there

    
      The little things that seemed so small are now gold in a memory vault
I cherish every one I have of you
Now I can see and recognize the part you played to shape my life
I often see you in the things I do
In God's design and master plan He saw the hurting hearts of man
As we would say goodbye to those so dear
So with our family and friends we'll be together once again
We'll view all heaven's splendor hand in hand

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

aunt kay and aunt bets.

 

 

 

 

her with my oldest two.

we borrowed this chair from aunt kay to take Raylea's one year photos on. 

 

 some random friend she made at the airport check in! I should have got a picture of her with the Kentucky derby gal. :)

 

girls trip in branson. just me and her. (and arrow)

 

aunt kay holding arrow for the first time at our house. dr d was in grant's recliner next to her. he passed away a few days later.

Raylea and her buddy.

 



 

 

Grant giving her a lift into the restaurant.

 

 

 



Leaning on the Lord

 

 

 

 

 

Have you been running from uncertainty? Have you been trying to force yourself to stay in a womb to stay protected and safe, yet you feel like a fish out of water? Something just isn't quite right... day after day.

 

 

God is a moving God. God is a shaker.

 

 

Emerge into the next place God has for you!

 

 

Labor is necessary to give birth!

 

 

 

Growth is always disruptive!

 

 

It will usually cause pain.

 

 

 

It'll hurt somebody, somewhere, when you are moving to the next dimension. And sometimes that somebody is you.

 

 

 

To be in God's will, to grow, to push out of the womb I'm in, I must be willing to put my feelings and emotions aside and press on to the great calling the Lord has on my families life. You must be willing to do the same if you want to grow! A child must leave it's mothers womb to grow.

 

 

 

 

That will mean saying no. That will mean saying yes. That will mean staying and sometimes it'll mean you gotta go. That means somebody is going to be upset, somebody will be angry and yes, somebody is going to talk about you. Somebody is not going to believe in you or support you.

 

 

 

As a great preacher once said "it is not your job to manage people's feelings and emotions."

 

 

 

 

God didn't place you in a womb to keep you there. Sure, it's a season, but you gotta go if you wanna grow. You can't stay on the milk forever. You can't stay worried about people misunderstanding you and gossiping about you. I used to be there, but in Jesus name, I never will be again. I'm growing!

 

 

 

You must be willing to lay down your desires and your wants and your will. Cast them into the sea. Allow God to start revival in your soul today! Stop being so concerned with what is going on at a church, family, or business across town or across the country that you miss what God has set right in front of you.

 

 

 

Put the phone down (after you finish reading this) and find your toddler and read them a book. Cuddle and tickle and kiss them. Stop scrolling through Facebook and open up THE Book. I told someone a couple months ago who was constantly seeing negative things on their Facebook to delete it for a month. Just 30 days. I have no idea if they did it or not, but I am confident if they would, they would have a new perspective on some things. What you dwell on, is what you'll become. You dwell on the past, you'll live there. You dwell on God's promises and what He claimed over your future and you'll live it!

 

 

 

 

Since we've been married, we've had to be pushed out of multiple wombs. We are learning what it means to lean on God. Friends will forsake, but the Lord, He will stick closer than a brother.

 

 

 

A wise woman told me that we were called to have God's approval, not everyone else's. Wow. That's a thought, isn't it? How often do you dress for people's approval, we go to a certain place and put filters on our photos. We buy houses and cars and feel we need to have our kid at the top of their class, wearing the best outfit in the room. What's even more sad, is this has subtlety crept into our church. Our youth. Our young children. I was shocked when Raylea, our oldest, came in contact with her first clique at the young age of four. My Uncle Zane preached this Sunday morning an amazing message on brotherly love. What I got out of it was, if we can't love others, forgive others and say we are sorry to others, we aren't even really saved. I agree 100%.

 

 

 

Jesus said in the book of John, that we are to love one another as He loves us. And that by us loving each other, all men will know that we are followers of Christ, if we have love for each other.

 

 

(John 13:34&35)

 

 

 

 

How more straight do you need it? If you really want your lost son to come home, why won't you make peace with those around you? If you really want your husband to be born again, stop holding a grudge about something he did 20 years ago. If you struggle with unforgiveness, I beg you to study the Bible today and see how serious it is that we forgive each other. Not just forgive, but truly truly humbly forgive them. Over and over again.

 

 

 

 

 

I have messed up so many times. I have said hurtful things. And in turn, I have had hurtful things said to me. But, I know if I want my heart to stay pure and right, I must daily ask for forgiveness to the Lord and to anyone who comes in contact with me who I offend even the slightest. I pray for my heart to be tender, even when other's are calloused.

 

 

 

Offer a hug even if you'll be rejected.

 

Pray for your enemies.

 

Wonders will take place in your heart when you can pray for those who hurt you.

 

Wonders will take place when you stop dwelling on the pain and start hoping for peace.

 

 

 

Sometimes, people don't want peace, so you'll have to be okay with that. I have been down that road, and it's a tough, lonely place to be when you are begging for someone to love you and they push you away the harder you try. You will eventually believe the lie that nobody cares for you, that you must do more to win over their love and acceptance and ultimately you'll believe that you will never be enough. Do not go there.

 

 

Do not allow yourself to believe the lie that you are forever in this dark storm and everyone has forgotten you. Because, the truth is, people may have forgot you. Remember, people come in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. People may have decided they don't need you in their life anymore. People may simply be too busy or distracted by their own problems, blessings and life to remember that you were once there for them. It is hard to accept change, but to grow, to mature, to push on to the next level in your walk with God, you have to go through these types of change, rejection, and disruption.

 

 

 

 

 

Stop what you're doing and ask the Lord to soften your heart. Is there someone you need to go to and apologize to? Maybe it was something said years ago, or maybe it is something only you know about. When you say sorry, you do it unto the Lord. Is there someone you stopped talking to because their life took a different direction, and so you stopped putting forth the effort? Call them. Shoot them a text and ask how life is. It always amazes me how special someone feels when I simply pick up the phone, take two minutes to call them and ask how they are and if there is anything I can pray for them about. Give your spouse a big ole kiss when you see them next. Call your adult child and tell them you want to take them on a weekend trip, just the two of ya. Call your friend and just tell them you appreciate them being a friend, in the good and the bad. Make peace with people. Do your part, even if it isn't well accepted. God will deal with their heart and just pray for them to be convicted by the Lord as you were. Remember... COVER. Cover their sin. Cover their wrong doings. Whether you receive an apology or not, it is the CHRISTIAN thing to do, to cover their sin with love.

 

 

 

 

Lastly, I want to quickly share a moving moment in my life. Last month we were on a family vacation with our friends and headed to Dixie Stampede in Branson, Missouri. As we pulled past the Ride the Ducks attraction, we saw the two boats fixing to head out for their tour. I thought to myself how I'd honestly rather go do that, but we already had tickets and plans with our friends to eat dinner and watch Dixie. About an hour and half later we started receiving texts from people who knew we were in Branson, asking if we were okay, that a boat had capsized. We got online and saw the tragedy unfolding on the news before our eyes. National headlines for the days to follow, an event that took place just a couple miles away from us. A quick nasty storm came in and one of the boats, sank. 17 people lost their lives. Many more people's lives were forever changed. One woman lost her kids, her husband and multiple other family members. She said in an interview that when they found her husband, he was holding her babies. One of the babies was the same age as our daughter, Arrow. Arrow loves water. She will climb into a pool when given the opportunity. We have to keep a very close eye on her. She has zero fear of anything. She is strong and brave. But, this little baby died in her daddies arms on their family vacation. Never to experience her second birthday, which we will celebrate for Arrow in a few months. The next morning we were headed to a gospel singing and we passed the parking lot and saw all the cars left. The owners never made it back. They were in eternity that whole night before. I lost it. I buried my face in my hands and I wept. I went into the florist shop in the grocery store and bought two sets of roses and our older two kids placed them on a van. That changed our family. No, I'm not a perfect wife. Grant's not a perfect husband. But we have purposed in our hearts to remember that day and it has changed us as people. It has changed us as Christians. We no longer seem to worry so much about the little stuff. I don't get so frustrated when Arrow dumps out the entire box of cereal, right after she took her diaper off and peed all over the floor and pulled all of my jewelry out of the cabinet. No. I smiled. I got a rag and started to clean up the mess. I sit and play with my kids more. I asked Grant last night as he was falling asleep if he wanted a back rub and Jack said, "rub my back" as he laid on his belly next to his dad. So, I rubbed my boys' backs and thoroughly enjoyed it. I planned more hands on things for our school year instead of making them do so much paper work. We will cook and bake and make a big mess. We will write letters to people and go see the old folks at the nursing  home. Grant is the most giving person I have met, and I have seen him become even more generous with his time and money. We will be different because we realized how short time is. We realized that could have been us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I pray you allow the Lord to soften your heart today and to realize you are loved by the Maker of this world. Stop trying to figure it all out on your own. God has unbelievable plans for you and no force of hell can come against them. You are God's! Start loving, forgiving and growing like it!