Peace, be still: I sure miss you

Have you ever had someone come into your life who changed it?

Really, changed it.

Aunt Kay did that for me.

Back in 2007 when I married my husband, I had been around Aunt Kay several times, since she is my husband's dad's sister, she isn't blood related. How many knows that blood is thicker than water, but in this case, Aunt Kay was thicker than a lot of blood.

I became close to her mom, and when she died on May 1st, 2009, I didn't know who I would have as my little buddy to spend time with anymore. That next year, Aunt Kay and I began talking often. We formed a tight friendship within a year.

She made my life happy.

Anyone who met Kay, knew she would talk your head off. We went on several little getaway trips together, and I would get so tickled at some of the questions she would ask people. Once we were at a fancy department store and a lady was trying some shoes and talking to her friend about what they were going to wear to the Derby. Of course, that was just enough information to get Aunt Kay's brain going with curiosity. "Do you mean the Kentucky Derby?!?!" Aunt Kay gawked! She asked a stream of questions to that private, preppy lady that day, including asking how much money her husband made. There was never a question off limit for her. That lady giggled and wasn't too offended.

(She always asked what you really wanted to know!)

She always wanted coffee. I can't tell ya how many cups of coffee, sandwiches and little simple meals I made for her while she sat in my house. She loved to be taken care of, and I loved taking care.

She was a diabetic. I have one story in particular only me and a close friend know the details to, and I will take that story to the grave with me! Let's just say, I am NOT meant to be a nurse.

Well, once she was at my house and her sugar was extremely low. I believe it was in the thirties. I hurriedly made a cup of chocolate milk and stirred in a ton of sugar because we never have pop or orange juice. I handed it to her and helped her drink it. I would say, "Aunt Kay, drink this." And she would take a sip, and look up at me. I would then say "drink this!" and she would ask, "drink what?!" and this went on for several minutes!

We were staying in a camper August 2017 in a church parking lot in Arkansas. Just me, her, and my three kids. Me and her slept on the queen bed. Raylea and Jack on the couch and Arrow was in a pack n play. Well, Aunt Kay didn't bring her sleep machine and she was snoring. Rather loud. I am a "sleep snob" and I can't sleep if someone is snoring. So, I went to the back of the camper and cleared off a bunk... but it was kind of uncomfortable. And yes, I have to have a comfortable mattress. I told you, I am a sleep snob! So, I go back to the bed with Aunt Kay.

I start to notice a pattern. She doesn't breath for like 10 seconds! Then... this MONSTEROUS snore comes out as the bed rumbles.

I am terrified she is going to stop breathing or something and then that snore would erupt. Well, after HOURS of this, I was laying there, just staring at her. I couldn't believe she could sleep through her own snores! Then, out of the clear blue, well, the clear dark in this case, her eyes shot open and she stares perfectly at me! It freaked me out so bad, that I hurried and closed my eyes and acted like I was asleep. That next morning I told her all about what I went through, and she laughed and laughed.

She always loved recalling those stories.

Those were a few funny ones at the top of my head.

Even though I could nearly write a book of all the hilarious moments I had with her, which, one day, when I do write a book, I know her name will be in there.

If Jack would have been a girl, her name would have been Adaline Kay, after Aunt Kay. I can't imagine not having Jack Gannon though! (He is seriously the sweetest little boy you'd ever meet.)

Aunt Kay loved my kids so much. She always tried to come to their parties and always gave them lots of hugs and kisses. She always loved hearing about the comical things they had done or said. She always encouraged me to be a more godly wife and mom. She always said she was proud of me. She wrote me a card, two years ago. I have it in my curio cabinet in my bedroom, now next to the rose off of her casket. In the card she said "you have brought so much happiness to my life." I truly can't say how I did that. But, I do know we just enjoyed each other's presence. Maybe that is what she meant. At the end of the card she said she was sending the money for Arrow's outfit to wear coming home from the hospital. She always did stuff like that. Stuff that not many other's would think of doing.

She stayed.

When I think of some of the hardest times I have went through in my adult life, Aunt Kay was there. It's easy to be there for someone when it's their happy days, when they are on a mountain top in life, or when it's an easy season.

But, you can tell who your true friends are by simply looking back at your darkest moments, and remembering who was by your side. Who stayed.

We wanted a second baby, bad. We tried for 13 months. Finally, December 2013, we were expecting. Sometime after the sixth week though, my body had a miscarriage. August Shalom is what we decided to name that sweet baby. That next week I sat in church as my husband told what had happened to our church family. I was sitting between Aunt Kay and her husband, Dr. D. and they each were holding onto one of my hands as I sat there staring forward with tears streaming down my face. She stayed.

I went through depression fall 2016 through January 2017. Dr. D passed away in November 2016, so I tried hard to stay strong for Aunt Kay. I never once told her I was depressed. That I didn't want to live life anymore. That I felt worthless. I never told her all the lies the devil had yelled at me and I was believing them. But, the night I was delivered, I was able to call and tell her on the phone. She was so sad that I hadn't told her. She said, "Oh, baby, I wish you would have told me so I could have been praying for you! I would have been there for you!" She said that over and over that whole next week or two. I just was trying to protect her, as she already had so much on her plate.

Our life took a turn when God had my husband step away from his full time job last year. It was the hardest thing we ever had to do. It was tough some days. Okay, a lot of days. Kay didn't stop talking to me because things were hard in my life. No... She checked on me more than ever. She prayed for me. She lifted me up. She gave me godly advice. She made me laugh on days I felt like crying... or had been crying. She was a diamond in the middle of a great big mud puddle I felt myself in last year. She helped me through. She loved me through. When life didn't make sense and circumstances didn't feel comfortable... just the sound of her voice on the other end of the phone would suddenly make those dark clouds go away.

I sure do miss her. I can't tell you how many days I have thought, "if I only had Aunt Kay to talk to right now, everything would be okay."

That's just what she did. She made everything seem okay.

Yes, the Lord is my Strength. He is my Stronghold. He is my Protector. He is my Joy.

Aunt Kay loved the Lord though. So, we had a common ground to stand on. We had the same values and we had the same final destination. She went a little sooner to that home than I wanted her to, but I know if she had the choice, she would not come back here.

She had to go.

March 9th, 2018. I felt I needed to go see my buddy that morning. So, me, Raylea, Aunt Betty and our close friend Brenda, ate breakfast and headed to go see her.

I will never forget those last hours I was with her. I straightened her jewelry on her hands and I held on to her hand and rubbed it gently and stared into her blue eyes. I told her I loved her so much. Raylea said some things to her and we just sat with her. She slept a lot. I knew it wouldn't be long.

I FaceTimed Danny, since he was in Missouri. She said "Hi, baby!" and kept leaning in trying to kiss the phone. Aunt Betty was with her that entire day and she said those were the only words she spoke. She sure loved her little brother..

Later that night, Grant went up to sit with her for several hours. Once it got late, he came home, but shortly after he crawled in bed, his cousin called and told him what we dreaded, yet expected, to hear. Aunt Kay was in Heaven. March 10th, 2018. So far, the saddest day of my life.

I can't remember everything about her funeral. I felt like it was an out of body experience. Not real. Her service was beautiful and joyful though. I had a hard time laughing, even though I knew she was perfectly whole and she had made it home! I was missing my friend. I was needing her love. But, that cold body in that beautiful pink casket wasn't moving.

Grant and his brothers sang "there ain't no grave" at the graveside. It was so special. The Lord came down on Grant as he spoke. God was there with us, even in the pain.

We know where she is.

Days passed and my phone wasn't ringing three or four times a day like it had for the past eight years. I listened to the countless voicemails I had on my phone that she had left me. Raylea was bothered nearly as bad as I was. Aunt Kay was like a grandparent to her. Raylea spent several nights crying as she went to sleep, saying she missed Aunt Kay. Then, one day, Raylea came up to me so calm and peaceful. She said, "Mama. I had a dream." I said, "you did? About what?"

"About Aunt Kay. She was in Heaven sitting on a little chair next to Jesus as he sat in his big king chair and she was talking to him. Jack and Nadine were next to her! Then, Uncle Darrel came up to Aunt Kay and hugged and kissed her!"

Jack and Nadine were Kay's parents. Raylea never met them, but we have pictures of them on the fridge and wall in our house and she's heard all about them.

I don't recall Raylea ever crying again about missing Aunt Kay. The Lord gave her that dream. She needed that dream.

Well, I know this is much different than any other post I have written.

I never wanted to write this one.

I wanted to have Aunt Kay in my life until I died.

But, one thing I have learned is that life doesn't usually go as we plan, or as we want.

Nearly six months ago, I lost one my truest friends. One that will never be replaced.

I will love deeper than ever before though, because I have seen how quickly those we hold closest to our hearts can be stripped away within a single breath.

Love those around you. Don't hold grudges. Call your grandma and tell her you love her. Text your sibling. Message your friend. Maybe it has been months or even years since you've spoken. That ends today.

Here's some lyrics that I sing often when I am missing Aunt Kay.

I SURE MISS YOU

      If life could only bring again, the days I took for granted when
To hear your voice was just a call away
Oh what I'd give for just some time, to say the things that slipped my mind
There's so much now I'd really like to say
But I can never go back when we did the things we did back then
I'll store those precious memories in my mind
I'll take what you've instilled in me; I'll try to be all I can be
And walk the path that you have left behind


      I sure miss you; life will never be the same with you not here
Each passing day has brought much pain
But with God's grace my strength remains
I sure miss you, but heaven's sweeter with you there


      The little things that seemed so small are now gold in a memory vault
I cherish every one I have of you
Now I can see and recognize the part you played to shape my life
I often see you in the things I do
In God's design and master plan He saw the hurting hearts of man
As we would say goodbye to those so dear
So with our family and friends we'll be together once again
We'll view all heaven's splendor hand in hand