Fear. Depression. Suicide.

 

 

 

Fear.

 

He is a liar.

 

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Fear

 

you don't own me, there ain't no room in this story.

 

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Whom then shall I

 

Fear?

 

 

 

 

Just a few songs that are popular in our churches and on the radio regarding this byproduct of our thoughts. Yes, danger is a real thing, but I believe we make the choice to be fearful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know of someone who wanted to die a couple years ago because they feared nobody loved them, nobody cared, and those who acted like they cared, only did it because they had to.

 

 

 

 

That someone was me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My cousin Crosby Jane, taught on what depression is last week at Bible Study. (You did an excellent job, Cros.)

 

But, it made me start thinking again about how I got to that point. Sure, there were some situations in my life that were stressful, but everyone has those. I realized I allowed fear to overtake me. Not just in my thoughts, but in my actions. It started out where I was scared to drive some days, thinking I might get in a wreck and die. These fears eventually made me feel weird, alone and like I could surely never open up to anyone about them. So, I kept to myself. Me, and my scared little self. Those scant worries, turned into a countless list of fears.

 

 

I started to fear I wasn't good enough for my husband and kids. I was afraid I was letting them down. I allowed this fear, weaved with insecurities, to find it's way into all my relationships. I tried so hard to win others over, my closest friends, surface relationship friends, and acquaintances, all the while I was making myself feel worse because they weren't meeting my unrealistic expectations of being extra kind back.

 

I thought to myself, I am just a waste of time! Why am I even here? I have no big talents, callings or gifts. I never went to college and got a degree. I don't even have a social media page to post photos on to make others believe I am happy at least!  

 

 

 

When in reality, I was a wreck.

 

 

 

I was a hidden wreck.

 

 

 

 

My very closest friends had no idea I was depressed. They had no idea I felt I was a problem to them. A second thought. On the back burner. I never even told my husband. And I tell him everything.

 

 

 

 

So, how did I become depressed? It's now been over a year and a half ago that I was supernaturally delivered, so I've had time to somewhat think it over. I believe I was overcome with fear in every single area of my life.

 

 

 

 

 

I feared I was a failure, and if I wasn't failing in an area, I soon would be.

 

I feared my family wouldn't even miss me if I was gone.

 

I feared I wasn't making a difference.

 

I feared I wasn't enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I suppose I want to write this today just for you. You person out there who is hiding behind something.

 

Maybe you have the social media page with all the beautiful photos and positive posts to hide behind. Or the college degree and great job.

Or the handsome husband and cute kids.

Or the title of being a preacher.

Or the position at a church.

Or the makeup and hair and pretty clothes.

Or the funny personality and big smile.

 

 

 

I hid behind kindness. I have always had a kind, tender, and (sometimes overly sensitive) heart. And so I did what I naturally knew to do to make myself feel happier. I tried to make everyone else happy. So, behind all my kind deeds, my over the top thoughtfulness, although, is pretty much the norm for this chick. I mean, Acts of Service is my top love language, people! I still hid behind it because I felt safe and like nobody would ever figure me out.

 

 

 So, instead of being kind, I did it over the top to anyone and everyone and it wore me out. Mentally and physically.

 

 

 

 

 

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

 

 

I felt tormented with my fear of worthlessness. I allowed my thoughts to become so negative about myself, I didn't like even my best qualities. I was absolutely tormented by Satan. Again, alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

2 Timothy 1:7

 

 

God never gave this spirit of fear to me. Instead, He gives the spirit of POWER, LOVE and a SOUND (controlled) MIND (thoughts.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Psalms 23:4

 

 

 

It doesn't matter how bad life is. I have a grandmother I visited just last weekend, who is entering that valley of the shadow of death. She wanted to pray with me when I asked her if she had any sin in her heart and wanted to make everything right with the Lord this summer when I called her on the phone. I have talked to my Aunt Connie all week through text messages and every day for the past two days she says her sister (my Granny) is resting peacefully. I believe that is because God is with her in these last moments. He is comforting her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?

Psalms 118:6

 

 

There is no lie, no rumor, no misunderstanding, that the Lord won't be on your side about. I am always quick to forgive because I have messed up many times. But, I also have been completely innocent and had to allow God to defend me! I had to trust that He would make it all right. And He ALWAYS has. God will defend you! Don't try defending yourself!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ye shall not fear them: for the Lord your God he shall fight for you.

Deuteronomy 3:22

 

 

 

An echo of the verse above, let GOD do the fighting. I have went through things where I wanted to fight for myself or for a loved one. But, God has always spoken to me in a still small voice, that I won't do any good, I would only make it worse. So, by placing situations that are out of my control in His Hands, He sees I really do trust Him. You can trust Jesus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Better is little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble therewith.

Proverbs 15:16

 

 

 

Don't worry about the little or even big stuff in life. Sure, that's easier said than done. We all fight our own battles and we all are fighting some alone and only God knows about them. But, fear, respect, honor and have reverence towards the Lord. Don't get yourself into trouble by worrying so much about your reputation, your bank account, your appearance, your number of likes or friends, your car you drive, the home ya live in. All that will be burned up in 100 years... I am not what I would call or consider a smart person, but I feel like the answer to every problem we have in life would be fixed if we'd truly apply this last verse. Fear the Lord.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lastly, if you are depressed, tell a trusted friend, family member, or minster.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THIS IF FOR YOU

 

 

 

You do matter and you ARE making a difference.

 

You were put here for such a time as this!

 

You are LOVED.

 

You are enough.

 

God has a purpose for you, one that nobody else can fulfill.