First Prenatal Visit

 

 

 

Last Friday I was driving down the highway, talking on the phone with my younger brother.

 

Someone started beeping in.

 

I looked.

 

It was my doctor's office.

 

If you keep up with my blog, or know me at all, you likely know the traumatic experience Grant, myself and our family went through this last month.

 

We miscarried, what was going to be our second child.

 

 

We  have one perfectly, healthy, smart and beautiful little girl, in which we are beyond grateful and thankful for.

 

But... we were ready for more kids. More kids to raise up in the Lord.

 

 

On that cold, dreary December afternoon, I miscarried.

 

It was so awful.

 

Monday it was confirmed by the doctor.

 

Monday night I cried myself to sleep.

 

Tuesday morning I woke up with tears streaming down my face.

 

I am pretty sure I cried in my sleep that whole night.

 

Tuesday night came.

 

I laid there in bed, with my Bible open, praying and crying.

 

I asked God, "Please give me a dream to give me peace."

 

I fell asleep praying that over and over.

 

 

 

And did he give it to me.

 

There Jesus was.

 

Cradling a baby.

 

The bundle of joy he was holding was so bright with light shining out of it, I couldn't see any detail about the baby.

 

Boy or girl. I have no clue.

 

Blonde hair like their older sister, Raylea.

 

I have no idea.

 

All I know is Jesus let me see him holding my baby.

 

I had someone ask me what Jesus looked like.

 

To be honest, I didn't get a good look.

 

I just knew it was him.

 

And I knew it was my baby.

 

And that was all I asked for.

 

Was a dream to give me peace.

 

I felt many emotions and I still go through bad moments of missing my baby, but I am at peace.

 

Sweet, precious peace is what I have.

 

 

 

So, I told my brother the doctor was calling and I said I better get it.

 

I answered.

 

Not knowing what they were going to say.

 

Part of me wanted them to say "We made a mistake! Your levels were perfect."

 

But I knew that was not the case.

 

I knew I wasn't pregnant anymore.

 

"Hi, may I speak to Hannah?" the kind woman asked.

 

"This is her." I said, nervously.

 

"Hi! I was just calling to remind you of your first prenatal visit this coming Tuesday!"

 

I went blank.

 

I am pretty good at understanding when people make mistakes, but I was in shock over this one.

 

"Uh... Well..." I couldn't spit it out.

 

"We actually lost the baby a few weeks ago."

 

There, I said it.

 

"Oh!!! I see that here written on the bottom of your papers! I am so sorry for your loss!!" I could tell she felt stupid and embarrassed.

 

"Thank you. It's okay." I didn't know what to say.

 

"We hope to see you in here soon with another pregnancy." She said kindly.

 

"Okay. Good bye." I was on verge of crying. On verge of being angry. On verge of hanging up on her.

 

But it was just a mistake. People make mistakes.

 

 

But to say all that, I wanted to say, that this morning would have been that first prenatal visit.

 

I know my "due date" will be a sad day.

 

And the day we found out we were expecting, and the day we miscarried.

 

But, I don't want sadness to take hold of me.

 

 

This morning when I woke up I thought,

 

my baby would have been 9 weeks this week, growing in my belly.

 

but... I thought back to my dream.

 

Wow. My baby is in Heaven. With their ancestors from years and years ago, who I don't even know.

 

My baby is hearing the most beautiful lullabies sang by the angels.

 

My baby is perfect.

 
And perfectly happy.

 

 

My baby will be there waiting for me and I will be there soon because I gave my heart to the Lord on Wednesday, March 15th, 2006.

 

 

 

That made my first prenatal appointment not seem that big of a deal anymore.

 

Not so sad anymore.

 

Clearly, I am human. I will think of my baby.

 

I will wander what my baby would have looked like.

 

What their laugh would have sounded like.

 

And who they would have grown up to be.

 

But, they are in the arms of Jesus.

 

I saw it.

 

I have peace.

 

That is priceless.

 

Do you have this peace that I have?

 

If not.

 

Get it today, before it is everlastingly too late.

 

 

 

I will leave you with a little something that came to me the other morning.

 

 

 

 

Take my hand.

 Don't look down.

Follow me.

Trust me now.

 

This soon will end.

The winds will calm.

"Peace, be still," I said to the storm.

 

The sun will rise upon this day.

All you need is a little faith.