A True Friend is hard to come by

 

 

 

Last night I woke up at about 1:04am.

 

I wasn't sleeping soundly.

 

I haven't for several weeks since our friends Becca and Jeremy lost their twin boys about 6 months through her pregnancy. They got to hold those boys for just hours before their little hearts stopped, and being there for some of that heartache, and talking with Becca daily afterword's, has weighed on my heart. I truly believe God has aloud me to wake so often each night to pray for her to keep sleeping soundly, so if I don't sleep solid for the rest of my life... that is fine with me. I will keep praying for my Becca.

 

 

 

After laying in bed for about thirty minutes I made myself get out of bed and go sit in our living room.

 

 

I felt like God wanted to talk to me. I wanted to go back asleep at that point. It was around 1:40am. But, I made my way to Grant's recliner, and there I sat. Just waiting.

 

 

 

 

Silence...

 

 

 

Then, I opened up.

 

 

 

I said I was sorry.

 

 

I haven't said sorry in a while. Genuinely, truly sorry.

 

 

 

It took me several years after I was saved to stop feeling condemnation for anything I did before I was saved. I realized that even though I don't feel condemnation anymore, I have let myself think I am less of a person because of anything in my past. Big, medium, small... whatever the 'size' of a sin... the devil can make you feel bad, dirty, evil, vile and unworthy all the same.

 

 

 

I said I was sorry for not viewing myself as clean, pure, and white as HE sees me.

 

 

 

I felt a wall come down and felt like I was hugging God.

 

 

 

Then I said I was sorry for doing something I have done my entire life...

 

 

 

ready for this?

 

 

 

People pleasing...

 

 

 

I love deeply. Therefore I feel deeply...

(some of you won't even comprehend that... and that's ok.)

So, what that leads to, is I constantly feel like I have to "win" others over.

 

Then, that leads to insecurity and being highly sensitive.

Then at times, I have taken to heart everything that is said or isn't said to me.

My mind would constantly search for things I could have done better or different to have had a different outcome in a situation and I end up blaming myself for anything that goes wrong.

 

Big or little.

 

 

Then I worry about it for months on end...

and sometimes apologize when it wasn't even my fault.

 

 

 

 

Talk about draining.

 

 

 

 

Whether that be a sibling, one of my brother or sister in laws, a parent of mine or Grant's, or a friend who I've known for 10 year or 10 months...

 

I try to be the best I can be for all of them, but honestly, at times, I've went too far.

And yes, that is possible.

 

 

 

God then let me see people in my mind's eye who truly care for me... who truly care for my spouse... who truly care for my children and my unborn child, and the one in Heaven... those who care about me spiritually and mentally... those who care when I'm hurting, emotionally or physically... those who care about my talents, even if they are small and not in the lights as some people's are... those who care that I am excited to homeschool and want to know all about it... those who care about my lost loved ones and who ask about them and pray for them...

 

 

 

I saw those people. I talked to God about them.

I felt true appreciation for them.

 

 

 

Then, God talked to me about those who don't truly care... those who are my friend when it's convenient for them... those who are actually happy when I'm hurt or sad or lonely or down, and those who are sad when I have joy or victories in my life...

 

 

 

He explained in my Spirit that it's okay that I love these people, it's even okay that I continue the friendship with them, but it isn't okay that I try to win them over and wear myself out trying to make them happy. He told me pretty bluntly that I have to stop people pleasing and set some healthy boundaries with these people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I then started to ponder on my spouse and my children.

The very ones I need to guide, protect and nurture the most.

 

 

I looked down at my feet and saw a little Tonka Truck me and Grant got for Jack a couple weeks ago. It looks like a little dump truck and Jack sits perfectly in the "dump" of it and likes to have Raylea push him around the house. I then realized it'll be just a matter of time that he won't be able to fit his foot in that same spot that his rear sits. I saw the pillows that Raylea had set up neatly on the couch trying to clean the house for me before she went to bed. I realized one day she will be gone and married maybe, with little rascals of her own (or as she says, "rascalts.")

 

 

 

I prayed and prayed that God would let me be the momma I need to be for these kids. That I would be the kind of parent and spouse that they will WANT to become one day. I don't want to have a bunch of qualities about me that they have to try to not be like as adults. I want them to WANT to be the kind of person that I am. I want them to see me love Grant and respect Grant and know that we will ALWAYS be together through the thick and thin.

 

 

I then thought about Grant and how I am already so protective of him, rightfully so, but how I want to show him love more often and more genuinely. I want to be more appreciative of the fact that he works to put food on our table and pays several bills each month that have never went unpaid, the nearly 9 years of our marriage. I want to be more appreciative that he sits me and the kids down in the morning time and will say, "I'm going to read the Bible, Raylea sit down by your mom, Jack listen up." I want to be more appreciative that he writes me random notes and brings me cards and flowers and donuts and wants to know how my day was. I want to be more appreciative that he leads me spiritually and cares for my well being and our kids' eternity. I love how he lays with Raylea in her twin bed and read her a good night book and then prays with her. I love listening though the door, as he sings to Jack as he rocks him asleep. I love the fact that he wants to be with me and our kids more than he wants to be with anyone else. He loves us and we are the best of friends.

 

 

 

 

A true friend is hard to come by.

 

 

 

 

Take time this week to get a few cards out and write to your true friends. Tell them why you love them.. Why you like their quirky traits.. Why you need them.. Why they are unique and why you care for them.

 

 

 

 

I told God last night I don't know if I will die young, middle aged, or old, or perhaps He will come back....

 

 

but I am not going to waste time anymore and I want to challenge YOU today to do the same.

 

 

 

Pray and ask God who YOUR true friends are. He will show you... it might not be what you want to hear. Perhaps you'll realize you have a lot less true friends than you thought... but overall, you'll feel so refreshed in knowing who truly cares and how you can care for them back.

 

 

 

Whether someone is a true friend to you or not, you still need to love them and pray for them and be there for them with open arms when they need you. But, don't let yourself get drained by feeling insecure or unwanted in friendships. I have done that, and it's zero fun. It is not healthy. God wants you to be happy, so talk to Him today about your true friends and how you can nurture those relationships better, and about those who you need to put some space between, and about the straight up toxic friendships.

 

 

 

 

If someone is always making you feel bad about yourself, attacking your looks, teasing you about having a dirty house or kids' hair looking rough, about how you aren't doing things right as a parent or spouse, if they are making you feel like less of a person and unloved and unwanted... if they only want to talk about themselves and about their happiness when you are sad inside but they don't care to ask... those are friendships you might need to rethink!

 

 

 

 

You ARE important and there are people around you who love you and want to build a strong friendship with you... stop pushing them away and thank God you have at least one person in your life who truly cares for you.

 

 

 

 

 

Have a wonderful week!