The King and the Slave

Can't hardly believe 2018 has come to an end. Some celebrate achievements that took place this year, and some grieve the circumstances that they are in right now. Many will make a resolution of eating better and working out, while some will not even try, because they failed every other year.

This week I sat at our kitchen table and was overcome with the fact that life is kind of passing me by. I stay home and raise my kids, and watch their every move, but they still seem to grow a foot every night. Arrow was helping me clean inside cabinets this morning and Raylea read her two younger siblings a story on her bed last night. Jack prayed as he went to sleep, "I really love you, God. I really love you, Jesus." 

My all time favorite song is "Through it all." We've been singing it a lot this week and the line "if I never had a problem, I wouldn't know God could solve them, wouldn't know what faith in His Word could do," has brought so much peace to my soul.

I look in every direction and see hurting people and down right bad situations. Stuff you couldn't even make up. I have been thinking a lot today about my priorities and what matters in life. 

I am making some changes later today and I'm really excited about them. Cutting out some distractions. Not really something I meant to do on New Years, but it just worked out that way.

This morning I read in Jeremiah a story I hadn't personally read before. It's found in chapter 38 if you have time to read it later.

Princes accused Jeremiah and demanded his death for speaking Truth. The king allowed him to be thrown into a miry dungeon, where there was no water, just mire. It said he sunk into it.

I don't know if it was an hour later or the next day, but the very next verse, verse 7 to be exact, says that one of the king's slaves, an Ethiopian named Ebed-melech, heard what the king had allowed to happen to Jeremiah. He went to the king and told him it was evil! The king commanded the slave to take thirty men with him and get Jeremiah out of the dungeon! So, he did.

I want you to really think about this. This is not a nice story you just heard me tell, but this happened to real people, not too terribly long ago, actually, on the same planet you live on right now.

Now, think about that Ethiopian man. Ebed-melech. He was used greatly by God to stand up to a king and put his own life on the line. He didn't beat around the bush either. He called it evil what had been done to that prophet. That man of God. Jeremiah. He did not rally a bunch of the other slaves to be standing behind him when he approached the king. He didn't even make a big long drawn out statement. You can read exactly what he said in one verse, verse 9. 

Think about the courage it took for that slave to stand up to someone who was his boss. His authority. He challenged the man who could have him killed in an instant. 

CHURCH! CHRISTIANS! GOD'S BRIDE!

When is the last time you stood up for what was right? When is the last time you cared more about God's work being done and His will being completed, rather than saving your own tail. Seriously. Think about it. 

It's not popular to stand up for what's right. It's not popular at all to say someone's deeds are evil, especially if you are the slave doing the talking. But, God doesn't look at the crown on one's head. So, with that being said, I want to talk about the king. 

King Zedekiah. He obviously had some power. He was a king.

He probably had a nice bed and a My Pillow covered with a silk pillowcase. 

He had the title of king and took much pride in it.

He had all the Facebook followers and a great name for himself. 

He had people working under him and didn't have to do the work, but got all the glory.

He probably was being fed grapes and had a giant leaf waved towards him to keep him refreshed.

He had new wheels on his carriage and his horses were fed the best grains.

He was probably sitting their swallowing one of those chilled grapes, as the door opened and was approached by his own slave.

What I love about this story, is that God used the king's very own slave to challenge him! He didn't use an enemy or a best friend. He used someone who was much lower than him and who had no authority over him. Yet, God had favor on Jeremiah and used Ebed-melech to rescue him by standing in the gap that day. 

I wander what would have happened if that slave would have been down and depressed on himself. What if he was at home sulking about how bad stuff was and how there was no way to change the situation. What if he would have just laid out some clean clothes to wear to Jeremiah's funeral. What if he just stayed on his phone, scrolling through social media, looking at everyone's "perfect/happy" lives and thought, I have it so bad. What do I have to live for anyways? What if he would have stayed home and let anger rise up towards the princes and the king and he started texting all his fellow slaves and gossiping about how sinful they were for doing that to Jeremiah. What if he would have just said, "God will take care of it. I will just sit here and pray about it I guess.."

Sometimes we have to put legs on that faith and those prayers. Example. I have prayed for God to remove any relationships, hobbies, and distractions from my life that won't draw me closer to Him. I had no idea what would happen when I prayed that prayer! I had to trust God to bring godly, God-fearing friends in my life who aren't afraid to stand up for me, because Lord knows I have felt like Jeremiah in the past, and needed friends who would sharpen my iron, in other words, make me a stronger Christian, even if their advice wasn't what I wanted to hear. I NEED those people in my life and God has granted me with those God-ties. And I trust Him to bring people in and out of my life as He sees fit.

One distraction I'm getting rid of for the next month or so, is my phone. We are going to Walmart later to get me a tracfone and I plan on spending the next several weeks earnestly seeking God and asking Him to reveal and remove any sin from my life and I plan on a revival taking place in my heart. 

I plan on having meetings with God instead of grabbing my phone every hour or two.

So, I know this post wasn't as well put together as usual, but I just wrote what was on my heart, as it came to me. Maybe instead of starting something this year, you need to stop doing something. Ask God to reveal it. He will.

Be like that slave. Be courageous and stand up for men and women of God and stand up for TRUTH.

We Christians are on the same team, we often forget. So, let's start acting/praying like it.

You can be the king/prince and be evil and against God's people/work.

Or, you can be Jeremiah or Ebed-melech. Faithful and courageous.

I appreciate any person who took time to read this, but just know, I don't do this for any other reason than to hope SOMEBODY out there draws closer to God. Even if you read this in 50 years and I'm dead... I just want you to lean on the Lord, whoever you may be.

Have a GOD filled 2019.

Hannah Jo

For such a time as this

For the past couple of months, my heart has ached for my friend, Aunt Kay. She was one of the closest people in my life and she'll never be replaced. She called me daily, and if I didn't answer she would leave me a voicemail which usually began with, "hi baby..." or "hi pun'kin" and then she would go on to tell me the date and the time she was calling, exactly what she was doing and for me to return the call at my convenience. When Aunt Kay died, I felt like I would never be able to recover totally from that loss. And, although I have been able to laugh, I still find myself every single day wishing I could drive 10 miles down the road to her house and sit and fold laundry with her, or sit on the porch and watch her grandsons play with my kids in the front yard. When she went to Heaven, I truly did lose a true friend. She wasn't one who would ever leave me. She always stayed true to herself and to God. She spoke truth and said it in love. She got that quality from her mom.

Well, in the midst of all the change in my life over the course of the past couple of years, I have realized nothing does truly last forever, expect relationships. Certain relationships that is. And the more I have thought about it, the more I have realized that us, like Esther, was born for a time such as this. For a purpose, a certain purpose. Not an accident.

Mother, you were born for such a time as this to be the lighthouse for those kids of yours. To be the prayer warrior who will get on her knees daily and pray for redemption to come in your child's life. It is you who God wants to set the example of a faithful, godly woman. Love your child and show them the way back home. But, don't let it sting too bad when they refuse to accept God immediately. Their time will come. You keep praying and believing. 

Father, you were born for such a time as this to be the head of the home. Stop playing church. Stop being so consumed with your job, your friends, your desires. Love those kids. Even if they are adults, you can still show them they matter. Call them and check on them. Just ask how there day is. You haven't spoken in years? Well, change that. You were a bad father as they were growing up? Change that now. Show them you care and go above and beyond. Buy them a nice gift. Write them a note. Love their mother. Make more memories instead of more money. 

Child, you were born for such a time as this to honor your parents. Maybe your parents are divorced or never show you the love your heart longs for, but you can be the example and God will honor you. Respect your mom or dad, or aunt or uncle, or grandparent, who ever you live with and pays the bills and puts food on the table for you. Help with chores and don't expect paid. Do it with a smile! When my little girl wakes up in the morning and makes her bed every day before coming out of the bedroom, that makes my heart so happy as a mom. Trust me, just pick up after yourself and ask your guardian if they need any help. Obey, respect and honor! When you're a parent one day, you'll realize exactly what I'm talking about. 

Preacher, keep on preaching, for you were born for such a time as this. You might not be the next Billy Graham, but if you are preaching Jesus and the Bible, you are just as valuable to the Kingdom as Billy! A soul will be changed for eternity thanks to your sacrifice and commitment to the Father.

Minister's wife, keep on supporting, loving and being a godly woman, for you were born for such a time as this. I know the many trials that comes with your position. Keep your head up, and remember that God will always fight for His own. Be a sheep, not a wolf in sheep's clothing. In other words, be the real deal. Love people. Forgive people. Build people up. Mostly, cover your husband with prayer.

Christian, you were born for such a time as this. 

Maybe your life is going in the complete opposite direction than your heart desires to go. Trust God's plan, not your own. Life isn't meant to be simple, easy, a road free of hurts, pain, betrayal and death. No, it is quite the contrary. You'll face things in life that unbelievers won't face. Look at John, he was beheaded. Stephen, stoned. Noah, made fun of for being simply obedient to God. You'll have people come and people go in life. You'll have jobs come and go, you'll have homes come and go. Your health might even come and go. But, the one thing that will remain, is your faith in God and His love for you. He is the same forever. So, whatever your day is like. Whatever your month may bring... just know that God will always go before you, and then as you walk through whatever trial or blessing you face, He too, will walk beside you. 

Aunt Kay sang a song her brother, Danny, wrote for her. It says "everything will be alright, My child, everything will be alright... because your Mine, the sun will shine again for you, I promise everything will be alright."

Aunt Kay is with the Son that will always shine and I encourage you this day, to press on to that same promise of eternal life. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it says in Romans that anyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved. Call upon Jesus and He will be faithful to forgive you of your sins. Live for Him and nothing else.

Remember...

You were born for such a time as this.

Can you weep?

There were four platforms, standing several hundred feet off of the ground.

There was one Christian standing on each of them.

There was no way to climb down and no way to get off, other than jumping to their own death. There were fires lit under each platform and I watched these Christians die for their faith.

I shot awake.


 I heard a still small voice in my heart say to open my bible. It was still dark outside and I didn't want to wake everyone up so I grabbed my phone and hurriedly opened up my Bible app. It was as though someone told me exactly where to go to in the Bible, I didn't have to think about it, I just found Lamentations, Chapter 3, and I started to read.

 A couple hours later I got my actual Bible and went to study the book and I had placed a magnetic book marker on the exact page of Chapter 3 in Lamentations, perhaps months ago!

Lament is a passionate expression of grief, sorrow or weeping. The book tells of the complete emptiness and destruction of Judah after the fall of Jerusalem.

Jeremiah warned people for forty years to turn from their evil ways, but they would not, and did not listen. The Babylonians attacked and The City was left in a heap of rubble!

Jeremiah wept over this!

This wasn’t even his sin that he was weeping over.
That is a heart of a true Christ follower.
Not only to weep over our own sin, but to weep over sin in general.

Oh, how I wanted to weep when I saw those four Christians in my dream being burned alive just because they were a Christian. In that moment, if I would have been on that platform, I would have wanted to speak the promise "no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper." But, what if our trial or even matter of death is not a weapon, but a path God has chosen for us to walk? He has already conquered all defeats we may face in this life. I chose to trust God not only when he sees it best to heal and rescue me, but also if he sees fit for me to fight a battle because I will have the opportunity to trust Him and place it in His hands, including my own life. Just like those four Christians in my dream did.

In Jeremiah 2:13 it says they had forsaken the Fountain of Living Waters!

That is what I want to get at.


I've heard messages and studies on us leaving our first love, taken from a passage in Revelation. But, I want to talk to you today about forsaking the Living Water.






Why have you left that glorious Fountain? Your one true Friend, who will stick closer than a brother? Why have you sat in His presence only to turn away? Why have you put your desires over God's plan for your life? Why? Like the first verse in the first chapter of Lamentations... "HOW."



How could you leave your first Love? How could you feel his peace only to push it away for a desire that will last but only a season? Relationships, lifestyles, attitudes, addictions, gossip, disobedience...



how? why?




I woke from that dream and I felt overwhelmed with conviction. I felt I would never be the same, and I pray I never forget how I felt when I woke from that dream.

 We will never be perfect, yes, I know.

But, God is coming back for a bride who is spotless, without blemish. So, please don't get upset when I say, I don't believe you can remind God of His grace when you stand before a God who destroyed cities because of sin, sent a whale to swallow up a disobedient preacher, and sent man to work and aloud woman to labor because they fell for a lie from the evil serpent.

 I believe Jeremiah had the heart many of us Christians need to get or regain. Do we weep over sin? Not gossip about someone's issues, but get alone by ourselves and repent for our sins.




We quickly forget once Easter is gone, about the price Jesus paid on the Cross for our sins. We remember it a little when Christmas arrives and we read the story of Him being born thousands of years ago, but we stay so busy worrying about having hundreds of dollars of gifts under a sparkly tree, that Jesus soon slips our mind.


What is it in your life?



You don't have to tell me, or a preacher, counselor or a pope.


You talk to Jesus. He is the only One you ever need to talk to.

 Unforgivness is a sin that is similar to a broken rib. Nobody else sees or feels the pain, other than you. Soon, you will pass that cancer on to your kids and their kids. Before long, you'll have a great big family of people who don't know how to forgive.


On the way to my Granny's funeral two weeks ago, my dad had me read a little pamphlet by A.W. Tozer. It said in there something along the lines that it will show how much we understand what Jesus did on the Cross for our sins by how we love/forgive others.



Think about that for a few minutes.


How easily you can forgive someone is really a reflection of how much you truly grasp and understand the cost of Jesus' death on the Cross.





So, perhaps you need to weep over not forgiving someone.



Maybe you drink. Gossip. Cuss your employees out. Tear people down instead of build them up.

Chose to do things your way instead of God's way, because it's just easier and more comfortable.

Always manipulating people and situations. Read about the life of Jezebel.

Lying.

Wishing evil on others.

Rejoicing when someone is hurting, and being jealous when they succeed.






I know for me, what God convicted me about, is my lack of time I spend with Him.

 My eyes water as I type those words.


God has saved me from so much. Many things I will never even know about.
I will be thirty years old on November 17th, and I pray I will live my next thirty, forty or fifty years of life like I never have before. Drawing closer to Jesus and becoming more like Him, and much less like "me."




I prayed a couple weeks ago for God to help me get up earlier to spend time with Him, and I kid you not, all three of my kids have been waking up no later than 6:00 in the morning almost every day since then. It's almost like God wanted me to see that I could get up earlier and He will make a way for me to do it! So, I am purposing in my heart to spend time with Him more. Not just reading my Bible app for twenty minutes before bed. Reading my good ole paper Bible. And praying on my knees, not with my head on the pillow. I chose to live my life in a way pleasing to God, not to men. I chose to make decisions pleasing to God, not to men. And I chose to love in a way that is pleasing to God, not to men.









Whatever you have chosen over the Living Water, I ask that you'd find time today to weep over it.


Don't just find time, make the time.




Some lyrics say, "tell your friends that this is where the party ends, until you're broken for your sins you can't be social..."





















And lastly.

As Pastor Zane always says, "I don't know about you, but I am going to be in the altar praying."

Lamentations

Chapter Three

1) I Am the man that hath seen affliction by the rod of his wrath.

² He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light.

³ Surely against me is he turned; he turneth his hand against me all the day.

⁴ My flesh and my skin hath he made old; he hath broken my bones.

⁵ He hath builded against me, and compassed me with gall and travail.

⁶ He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old.

⁷ He hath hedged me about, that I cannot get out: he hath made my chain heavy.

⁸ Also when I cry and shout, he shutteth out my prayer.

⁹ He hath inclosed my ways with hewn stone, he hath made my paths crooked.

¹⁰ He was unto me as a bear lying in wait, and as a lion in secret places.

¹¹ He hath turned aside my ways, and pulled me in pieces: he hath made me desolate.

¹² He hath bent his bow, and set me as a mark for the arrow.

¹³ He hath caused the arrows of his quiver to enter into my reins.

¹⁴ I was a derision to all my people; and their song all the day.

¹⁵ He hath filled me with bitterness, he hath made me drunken with wormwood.

¹⁶ He hath also broken my teeth with gravel stones, he hath covered me with ashes.

¹⁷ And thou hast removed my soul far off from peace: I forgat prosperity.

¹⁸ And I said, My strength and my hope is perished from the Lord:

¹⁹ Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall.

²⁰ My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me.

²¹ This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.

²² It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.

²³ They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

²⁴ The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

²⁵ The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.

²⁶ It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord.

²⁷ It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.

²⁸ He sitteth alone and keepeth silence, because he hath borne it upon him.

²⁹ He putteth his mouth in the dust; if so be there may be hope.

³⁰ He giveth his cheek to him that smiteth him: he is filled full with reproach.

³¹ For the Lord will not cast off for ever:

³² But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.

³³ For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.

³⁴ To crush under his feet all the prisoners of the earth.

³⁵ To turn aside the right of a man before the face of the most High,

³⁶ To subvert a man in his cause, the Lord approveth not.

³⁷ Who is he that saith, and it cometh to pass, when the Lord commandeth it not?

³⁸ Out of the mouth of the most High proceedeth not evil and good?

³⁹ Wherefore doth a living man complain, a man for the punishment of his sins?

⁴⁰ Let us search and try our ways, and turn again to the Lord.

⁴¹ Let us lift up our heart with our hands unto God in the heavens.

⁴² We have transgressed and have rebelled: thou hast not pardoned.

⁴³ Thou hast covered with anger, and persecuted us: thou hast slain, thou hast not pitied.

⁴⁴ Thou hast covered thyself with a cloud, that our prayer should not pass through.

⁴⁵ Thou hast made us as the offscouring and refuse in the midst of the people.

⁴⁶ All our enemies have opened their mouths against us.

⁴⁷ Fear and a snare is come upon us, desolation and destruction.

⁴⁸ Mine eye runneth down with rivers of water for the destruction of the daughter of my people.

⁴⁹ Mine eye trickleth down, and ceaseth not, without any intermission.

⁵⁰ Till the Lord look down, and behold from heaven.

⁵¹ Mine eye affecteth mine heart because of all the daughters of my city.

⁵² Mine enemies chased me sore, like a bird, without cause.

⁵³ They have cut off my life in the dungeon, and cast a stone upon me.

⁵⁴ Waters flowed over mine head; then I said, I am cut off.

⁵⁵ I called upon thy name, O Lord, out of the low dungeon.

⁵⁶ Thou hast heard my voice: hide not thine ear at my breathing, at my cry.

⁵⁷ Thou drewest near in the day that I called upon thee: thou saidst, Fear not.

⁵⁸ O Lord, thou hast pleaded the causes of my soul; thou hast redeemed my life.

⁵⁹ O Lord, thou hast seen my wrong: judge thou my cause.

⁶⁰ Thou hast seen all their vengeance and all their imaginations against me.

⁶¹ Thou hast heard their reproach, O Lord, and all their imaginations against me;

⁶² The lips of those that rose up against me, and their device against me all the day.

⁶³ Behold their sitting down, and their rising up; I am their musick.

⁶⁴ Render unto them a recompence, O Lord, according to the work of their hands.

⁶⁵ Give them sorrow of heart, thy curse unto them.

⁶⁶ Persecute and destroy them in anger from under the heavens of the Lord.



For my grandkids

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last week we buried my Granny.

I'm so thankful for the many times I had with her.

It got me to thinking, since I have this little page, why not write some stuff for my grandkids to read one day. (if the Lord doesn't come back by then)

 

 

 

 

Since I will be the big 3-0 in a couple of weeks, I will write that many random things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. I was saved at 17 years old in Wellington, Kansas. The same town I was born 17 years prior.

 

2. I met Grant their. (your Grandpa) ok, now that feels weird writing being that our oldest is only 7.

 

3. I hope to write a book one day. Not for fame or fortune, but because God laid it on my heart.

 

4. One of my closest friends in the world died this year. Kay Francis O'Bar. She was your grandpa's aunt on his dad's side. I have struggled lately with her being gone. She called me more than anyone else to just check on me. Always, always check on people. It will mean more to them than you'll ever know.

 

5. We have one baby in Heaven. They passed away in my belly on December 15th, 2013.

 

6. My arms are double jointed.

 

7. The first time I ever saw the Ocean I was with my mom and older brother at Myrtle Beach, in South Carolina. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I was around 12.

 

8. I stay on home right now and raise our three kids. I am homeschooling full time.

 

9. I suggest not having social media, or whatever they are calling it these days.

 

10. Raylea was the name of a fake baby I had in High School. I got NEGATIVE 120% on that thing. I pronounced "Raleigh".... "Ray-LEE," when trying to name that little battery operated baby doll. That is where my older brother lived and so I named the baby that. Grant at the time was just starting to like me and asked what the baby's name was. I told him. He had me repeat it several times. I said "RAYLEA!" He said "that is my mom and dad's middle names slid together!" I smiled and said, "well, if we get married one day and have girl we will name her that."

 

11. I went to NYC and DC in the 6th grade. Wish to go back one day with Grant.

 

12. I dream of living by the ocean. Anytime I stand next to the water, I seem to forget my problems and I can almost feel God touch me. His Hand is all over creation, just look around a little.

 

13. I used to be a bad people pleaser. There is nothing wrong with being kind, but don't please people over pleasing God. People will let you down, so don't be too offended when it happens.

 

14. Stop and smell the flowers. Seriously.

 

15. Thank God for the problems and issues you have. Like my favorite hymn says, "if I never had a problem, I wouldn't know God could solve them, wouldn't know what faith in His word could do."

 

16. Don't drink. It ruins lives.

 

17. I love taking baths. I take them nearly every night! Usually one of the kiddos gets in with me. So, it's not too relaxing, but I will have time for those before I know it.

 

18. I've never had a cavity. Hopefully you have my genes for that!

 

19. I was married at 19. December 29th, 2007.

 

20. Christmas is my favorite.

 

21. Never give up on people. Even if they've hurt you, lied about you, stomped on your heart... don't give up on them. God never gave up on you.

 

22. Cherish your spouse.

 

23. I've had a Maltese dog, Sophie since 2009. She is nearly 9. I am writing this on November 1st, 2018. We call her "Soph-a-Doph."

 

24. Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup is my favorite meal of all time.

 

25. I love being with my family. Never take family for granted. They will be there when everyone else decides they are too busy for ya.

 

26. Fall in love with God. It's different than loving Him.

 

27. I like to hunt whitetail deer. I haven't killed any monsters, but hunting itself is very enjoyable to me. I do a lot of prayin' in the stand.

 

28. Wear your seatbelt. Always keep a close eye on your kids. They are my great-grandkids, you know.

 

29. I am 29. If you ever read this, I may be 69!

 

30. Make it count. Whatever you do in life, do it for God. Not for yourself or for another person. Make Him happy and seek His face. Get alone and talk to Him daily. Even if you have to do it in the dark of the night. He will meet you.

 

 



Fear. Depression. Suicide.

 

 

 

Fear.

 

He is a liar.

 

----------

 

Fear

 

you don't own me, there ain't no room in this story.

 

---------

 

Whom then shall I

 

Fear?

 

 

 

 

Just a few songs that are popular in our churches and on the radio regarding this byproduct of our thoughts. Yes, danger is a real thing, but I believe we make the choice to be fearful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know of someone who wanted to die a couple years ago because they feared nobody loved them, nobody cared, and those who acted like they cared, only did it because they had to.

 

 

 

 

That someone was me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My cousin Crosby Jane, taught on what depression is last week at Bible Study. (You did an excellent job, Cros.)

 

But, it made me start thinking again about how I got to that point. Sure, there were some situations in my life that were stressful, but everyone has those. I realized I allowed fear to overtake me. Not just in my thoughts, but in my actions. It started out where I was scared to drive some days, thinking I might get in a wreck and die. These fears eventually made me feel weird, alone and like I could surely never open up to anyone about them. So, I kept to myself. Me, and my scared little self. Those scant worries, turned into a countless list of fears.

 

 

I started to fear I wasn't good enough for my husband and kids. I was afraid I was letting them down. I allowed this fear, weaved with insecurities, to find it's way into all my relationships. I tried so hard to win others over, my closest friends, surface relationship friends, and acquaintances, all the while I was making myself feel worse because they weren't meeting my unrealistic expectations of being extra kind back.

 

I thought to myself, I am just a waste of time! Why am I even here? I have no big talents, callings or gifts. I never went to college and got a degree. I don't even have a social media page to post photos on to make others believe I am happy at least!  

 

 

 

When in reality, I was a wreck.

 

 

 

I was a hidden wreck.

 

 

 

 

My very closest friends had no idea I was depressed. They had no idea I felt I was a problem to them. A second thought. On the back burner. I never even told my husband. And I tell him everything.

 

 

 

 

So, how did I become depressed? It's now been over a year and a half ago that I was supernaturally delivered, so I've had time to somewhat think it over. I believe I was overcome with fear in every single area of my life.

 

 

 

 

 

I feared I was a failure, and if I wasn't failing in an area, I soon would be.

 

I feared my family wouldn't even miss me if I was gone.

 

I feared I wasn't making a difference.

 

I feared I wasn't enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I suppose I want to write this today just for you. You person out there who is hiding behind something.

 

Maybe you have the social media page with all the beautiful photos and positive posts to hide behind. Or the college degree and great job.

Or the handsome husband and cute kids.

Or the title of being a preacher.

Or the position at a church.

Or the makeup and hair and pretty clothes.

Or the funny personality and big smile.

 

 

 

I hid behind kindness. I have always had a kind, tender, and (sometimes overly sensitive) heart. And so I did what I naturally knew to do to make myself feel happier. I tried to make everyone else happy. So, behind all my kind deeds, my over the top thoughtfulness, although, is pretty much the norm for this chick. I mean, Acts of Service is my top love language, people! I still hid behind it because I felt safe and like nobody would ever figure me out.

 

 

 So, instead of being kind, I did it over the top to anyone and everyone and it wore me out. Mentally and physically.

 

 

 

 

 

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

 

 

I felt tormented with my fear of worthlessness. I allowed my thoughts to become so negative about myself, I didn't like even my best qualities. I was absolutely tormented by Satan. Again, alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

2 Timothy 1:7

 

 

God never gave this spirit of fear to me. Instead, He gives the spirit of POWER, LOVE and a SOUND (controlled) MIND (thoughts.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Psalms 23:4

 

 

 

It doesn't matter how bad life is. I have a grandmother I visited just last weekend, who is entering that valley of the shadow of death. She wanted to pray with me when I asked her if she had any sin in her heart and wanted to make everything right with the Lord this summer when I called her on the phone. I have talked to my Aunt Connie all week through text messages and every day for the past two days she says her sister (my Granny) is resting peacefully. I believe that is because God is with her in these last moments. He is comforting her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?

Psalms 118:6

 

 

There is no lie, no rumor, no misunderstanding, that the Lord won't be on your side about. I am always quick to forgive because I have messed up many times. But, I also have been completely innocent and had to allow God to defend me! I had to trust that He would make it all right. And He ALWAYS has. God will defend you! Don't try defending yourself!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ye shall not fear them: for the Lord your God he shall fight for you.

Deuteronomy 3:22

 

 

 

An echo of the verse above, let GOD do the fighting. I have went through things where I wanted to fight for myself or for a loved one. But, God has always spoken to me in a still small voice, that I won't do any good, I would only make it worse. So, by placing situations that are out of my control in His Hands, He sees I really do trust Him. You can trust Jesus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Better is little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble therewith.

Proverbs 15:16

 

 

 

Don't worry about the little or even big stuff in life. Sure, that's easier said than done. We all fight our own battles and we all are fighting some alone and only God knows about them. But, fear, respect, honor and have reverence towards the Lord. Don't get yourself into trouble by worrying so much about your reputation, your bank account, your appearance, your number of likes or friends, your car you drive, the home ya live in. All that will be burned up in 100 years... I am not what I would call or consider a smart person, but I feel like the answer to every problem we have in life would be fixed if we'd truly apply this last verse. Fear the Lord.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lastly, if you are depressed, tell a trusted friend, family member, or minster.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THIS IF FOR YOU

 

 

 

You do matter and you ARE making a difference.

 

You were put here for such a time as this!

 

You are LOVED.

 

You are enough.

 

God has a purpose for you, one that nobody else can fulfill.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



I sure miss you

 

 

 

Have you ever had someone come into your life who changed it?

 

 

 

Really, changed it.

 

 

 

Aunt Kay did that for me.

 

 

Back in 2007 when I married my husband, I had been around Aunt Kay several times, since she is my husband's dad's sister, she isn't blood related. How many knows that blood is thicker than water, but in this case, Aunt Kay was thicker than a lot of blood.

 

 

I became close to her mom, and when she died on May 1st, 2009, I didn't know who I would have as my little buddy to spend time with anymore. That next year, Aunt Kay and I began talking often. We formed a tight friendship within a year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She made my life happy.

 

 

Anyone who met Kay, knew she would talk your head off. We went on several little getaway trips together, and I would get so tickled at some of the questions she would ask people. Once we were at a fancy department store and a lady was trying some shoes and talking to her friend about what they were going to wear to the Derby. Of course, that was just enough information to get Aunt Kay's brain going with curiosity. "Do you mean the Kentucky Derby?!?!" Aunt Kay gawked! She asked a stream of questions to that private, preppy lady that day, including asking how much money her husband made. There was never a question off limit for her. That lady giggled and wasn't too offended.

 

(She always asked what you really wanted to know!)

 

 

 

She always wanted coffee. I can't tell ya how many cups of coffee, sandwiches and little simple meals I made for her while she sat in my house. She loved to be taken care of, and I loved taking care.

 

 

 

She was a diabetic. I have one story in particular only me and a close friend know the details to, and I will take that story to the grave with me! Let's just say, I am NOT meant to be a nurse.

 

 

 

Well, once she was at my house and her sugar was extremely low. I believe it was in the thirties. I hurriedly made a cup of chocolate milk and stirred in a ton of sugar because we never have pop or orange juice. I handed it to her and helped her drink it. I would say, "Aunt Kay, drink this." And she would take a sip, and look up at me. I would then say "drink this!" and she would ask, "drink what?!" and this went on for several minutes!

 

 

 

We were staying in a camper August 2017 in a church parking lot in Arkansas. Just me, her, and my three kids. Me and her slept on the queen bed. Raylea and Jack on the couch and Arrow was in a pack n play. Well, Aunt Kay didn't bring her sleep machine and she was snoring. Rather loud. I am a "sleep snob" and I can't sleep if someone is snoring. So, I went to the back of the camper and cleared off a bunk... but it was kind of uncomfortable. And yes, I have to have a comfortable mattress. I told you, I am a sleep snob! So, I go back to the bed with Aunt Kay.

 I start to notice a pattern. She doesn't breath for like 10 seconds! Then... this MONSTEROUS snore comes out as the bed rumbles.

I am terrified she is going to stop breathing or something and then that snore would erupt. Well, after HOURS of this, I was laying there, just staring at her. I couldn't believe she could sleep through her own snores! Then, out of the clear blue, well, the clear dark in this case, her eyes shot open and she stares perfectly at me! It freaked me out so bad, that I hurried and closed my eyes and acted like I was asleep. That next morning I told her all about what I went through, and she laughed and laughed.

 

 

 

She always loved recalling those stories.

 

 

 

 

Those were a few funny ones at the top of my head.

 

Even though I could nearly write a book of all the hilarious moments I had with her, which, one day, when I do write a book, I know her name will be in there.

 

 

 

If Jack would have been a girl, her name would have been Adaline Kay, after Aunt Kay. I can't imagine not having Jack Gannon though! (He is seriously the sweetest little boy you'd ever meet.)

 

 

 

Aunt Kay loved my kids so much. She always tried to come to their parties and always gave them lots of hugs and kisses. She always loved hearing about the comical things they had done or said. She always encouraged me to be a more godly wife and mom. She always said she was proud of me. She wrote me a card, two years ago. I have it in my curio cabinet in my bedroom, now next to the rose off of her casket. In the card she said "you have brought so much happiness to my life." I truly can't say how I did that. But, I do know we just enjoyed each other's presence. Maybe that is what she meant. At the end of the card she said she was sending the money for Arrow's outfit to wear coming home from the hospital. She always did stuff like that. Stuff that not many other's would think of doing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She stayed.

 

 

When I think of some of the hardest times I have went through in my adult life, Aunt Kay was there. It's easy to be there for someone when it's their happy days, when they are on a mountain top in life, or when it's an easy season.

 

But, you can tell who your true friends are by simply looking back at your darkest moments, and remembering who was by your side. Who stayed.

 

 

 

 

We wanted a second baby, bad. We tried for 13 months. Finally, December 2013, we were expecting. Sometime after the sixth week though, my body had a miscarriage. August Shalom is what we decided to name that sweet baby. That next week I sat in church as my husband told what had happened to our church family. I was sitting between Aunt Kay and her husband, Dr. D. and they each were holding onto one of my hands as I sat there staring forward with tears streaming down my face. She stayed.

 

 

 

 

I went through depression fall 2016 through January 2017. Dr. D passed away in November 2016, so I tried hard to stay strong for Aunt Kay. I never once told her I was depressed. That I didn't want to live life anymore. That I felt worthless. I never told her all the lies the devil had yelled at me and I was believing them. But, the night I was delivered, I was able to call and tell her on the phone. She was so sad that I hadn't told her. She said, "Oh, baby, I wish you would have told me so I could have been praying for you! I would have been there for you!" She said that over and over that whole next week or two. I just was trying to protect her, as she already had so much on her plate.

 

 

 

Our life took a turn when God had my husband step away from his full time job last year. It was the hardest thing we ever had to do. It was tough some days. Okay, a lot of days. Kay didn't stop talking to me because things were hard in my life. No... She checked on me more than ever. She prayed for me. She lifted me up. She gave me godly advice. She made me laugh on days I felt like crying... or had been crying. She was a diamond in the middle of a great big mud puddle I felt myself in last year. She helped me through. She loved me through. When life didn't make sense and circumstances didn't feel comfortable... just the sound of her voice on the other end of the phone would suddenly make those dark clouds go away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I sure do miss her. I can't tell you how many days I have thought, "if I only had Aunt Kay to talk to right now, everything would be okay."

 

That's just what she did. She made everything seem okay.

 

 

 

Yes, the Lord is my Strength. He is my Stronghold. He is my Protector. He is my Joy.

Aunt Kay loved the Lord though. So, we had a common ground to stand on. We had the same values and we had the same final destination. She went a little sooner to that home than I wanted her to, but I know if she had the choice, she would not come back here.

 

 

 

She had to go.

 

 

 

March 9th, 2018. I felt I needed to go see my buddy that morning. So, me, Raylea, Aunt Betty and our close friend Brenda, ate breakfast and headed to go see her.

 

I will never forget those last hours I was with her. I straightened her jewelry on her hands and I held on to her hand and rubbed it gently and stared into her blue eyes. I told her I loved her so much. Raylea said some things to her and we just sat with her. She slept a lot. I knew it wouldn't be long.

I FaceTimed Danny, since he was in Missouri. She said "Hi, baby!" and kept leaning in trying to kiss the phone. Aunt Betty was with her that entire day and she said those were the only words she spoke. She sure loved her little brother..

 

 

Later that night, Grant went up to sit with her for several hours. Once it got late, he came home, but shortly after he crawled in bed, his cousin called and told him what we dreaded, yet expected, to hear. Aunt Kay was in Heaven. March 10th, 2018. So far, the saddest day of my life.

 

 

I can't remember everything about her funeral. I felt like it was an out of body experience. Not real. Her service was beautiful and joyful though. I had a hard time laughing, even though I knew she was perfectly whole and she had made it home! I was missing my friend. I was needing her love. But, that cold body in that beautiful pink casket wasn't moving.

 

 

Grant and his brothers sang "there ain't no grave" at the graveside. It was so special. The Lord came down on Grant as he spoke. God was there with us, even in the pain.

 

 

 

 

We know where she is.

 

 

 

Days passed and my phone wasn't ringing three or four times a day like it had for the past eight years. I listened to the countless voicemails I had on my phone that she had left me. Raylea was bothered nearly as bad as I was. Aunt Kay was like a grandparent to her. Raylea spent several nights crying as she went to sleep, saying she missed Aunt Kay. Then, one day, Raylea came up to me so calm and peaceful. She said, "Mama. I had a dream." I said, "you did? About what?"

 

"About Aunt Kay. She was in Heaven sitting on a little chair next to Jesus as he sat in his big king chair and she was talking to him. Jack and Nadine were next to her! Then, Uncle Darrel came up to Aunt Kay and hugged and kissed her!"

 

 

 

 

 

Jack and Nadine were Kay's parents. Raylea never met them, but we have pictures of them on the fridge and wall in our house and she's heard all about them.

 

I don't recall Raylea ever crying again about missing Aunt Kay. The Lord gave her that dream. She needed that dream.

 

 

 

 

Well, I know this is much different than any other post I have written.

 

I never wanted to write this one.

 

I wanted to have Aunt Kay in my life until I died.

 

 

 

But, one thing I have learned is that life doesn't usually go as we plan, or as we want.

 

 

Nearly six months ago, I lost one my truest friends. One that will never be replaced.

 

 

I will love deeper than ever before though, because I have seen how quickly those we hold closest to our hearts can be stripped away within a single breath.

 

 

 

Love those around you. Don't hold grudges. Call your grandma and tell her you love her. Text your sibling. Message your friend. Maybe it has been months or even years since you've spoken. That ends today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here's some lyrics that I sing often when I am missing Aunt Kay.

 

 

I SURE MISS YOU
    
      If life could only bring again, the days I took for granted when
To hear your voice was just a call away
Oh what I'd give for just some time, to say the things that slipped my mind
There's so much now I'd really like to say
But I can never go back when we did the things we did back then
I'll store those precious memories in my mind
I'll take what you've instilled in me; I'll try to be all I can be
And walk the path that you have left behind

    
      I sure miss you; life will never be the same with you not here
Each passing day has brought much pain
But with God's grace my strength remains
I sure miss you, but heaven's sweeter with you there

    
      The little things that seemed so small are now gold in a memory vault
I cherish every one I have of you
Now I can see and recognize the part you played to shape my life
I often see you in the things I do
In God's design and master plan He saw the hurting hearts of man
As we would say goodbye to those so dear
So with our family and friends we'll be together once again
We'll view all heaven's splendor hand in hand

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

aunt kay and aunt bets.

 

 

 

 

her with my oldest two.

we borrowed this chair from aunt kay to take Raylea's one year photos on. 

 

 some random friend she made at the airport check in! I should have got a picture of her with the Kentucky derby gal. :)

 

girls trip in branson. just me and her. (and arrow)

 

aunt kay holding arrow for the first time at our house. dr d was in grant's recliner next to her. he passed away a few days later.

Raylea and her buddy.

 



 

 

Grant giving her a lift into the restaurant.